Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Sorry for the interruption . . .

YAY FOR KELLI!!!!!

I can't wait to see your twins!!

That is all.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Was it the best Christmas ever? I have no proof.

Well. After a weekend full of Christmastime activities and then a blizzard to top it off, I am tired!! I hope everyone had as great of a holiday as we did.
Just how great of a holiday did we have?
It was a good one. You'll have to trust me, because I realized I did not take one single picture to capture any of it.
The Joes are going to suck as parents, I think.
There would have been tons of great picture opportunities, too. Like when our parents opened their framed pictures of Baby Joe. Or when Mr. Joe dressed in plus sized women's Christmas themed clothing for a competition with the boys. Oh, why did I not take any pictures????
Maybe because I was too busy barfing and sleeping. And defending the fact that I don't want to eat seafood or deli meats or change the kitty litter BECAUSE THESE ARE REAL PRECAUTIONS, NOT JUST SOMETHING I MADE UP.
People don't seem to understand that I have waited what seems like eons for this child, and that I will do NOTHING to screw it up. If that means walking on my hands for nine months, then so be it. I pity the fool who has something to say about it. So it was only natural when the funsucker (have I mentioned the funsucker on here before?) said something about how I was overreacting by not eating deli meat that I let her know that she was going to be a terrible mother.
The funsucker, if I haven't mentioned her before, is Mr. Joe's cousin's girlfriend. She is horrible and sucks the fun out of everything. EVERYTHING. Even Christmas. I coined the name almost immediately after meeting her and the name has stuck. I don't think Mr. Joe's cousin knows about it, but I'm pretty sure if he did, he would agree. She must have beer flavored nipples, because she is terrible. But I digress.
Anyway, no pictures, but a fabulous holiday. We're going to tell our friends on New Year's eve, and then that's really it. No one else will really know until I start showing. I've been telling people not to say anything on facebook or in public. Seeing announcements or hearing news through the grapevine still stings. Although we have finally made it here, I don't think I will ever forget that feeling. That's why I don't plan on making a huge announcement. I don't want to inflict that kind of feeling on anyone. Know what I mean?
If I don't get on here again this week, I hope everyone has a fantastic and safe New Year's!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Introducing . . .

Baby Joe:


A real, live baby in MY uterus!

I can't even describe to you the feeling I had when I saw that screenshot. Mr. Joe couldn't make it to the appointment, so I took Ronnie with me. We were laughing and joking around the whole time, which was good because I was terrified. . . that is until the lights were dimmed and that picture of my peanut illuminated the room.

Friends, it was a definite moment. A moment I didn't realize I had been waiting all of my life to see, until it was lighting up my world - literally.

Dr. I-don't-have-time-to-listen-to-you said everything was perfect (aside from my bp, which was awful over terrible, since I was so nervous), heartbeat of 145. The beating heart made it look like Baby Joe was clapping :-) Then she handed me the pictures of the ultrasound and started rambling about the testing that needs to be done. I didn't really listen to any of it. I was too busy processing the fact that I wasn't dreaming.

Until the dr advised me that as of January first, she would no longer be doing obstetrics and she was pushing me on to a new dr! I'm sure most people would be sad or annoyed, but I am so happy that I don't have to find a new dr and break up with this one! I was able to meet her, and I'm pretty sure I'm her first real patient ever, but I'll take it. One less thing to worry about :-)

I probably won't get a chance to post anything until after christmas. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!!! You all deserve everything your hearts desire :-)

Friday, December 17, 2010

Sorry for the brief hiatus . . .

This will be a long and boring update on my life since I last spoke to you, don't say I didn't warn you . . .

We took a mini trip to NYC Thursday night into last Friday. Despite being exhausted and barfy, I had a great time. It was about 26 degrees, but felt like 4 degrees, so we popped in and out of places all over the city. We went to the Disney store (not the world of Disney anymore) in Times Square, Rockefeller Center, and this really nice bar that our friend Mike (who we were staying with) frequents. We had dinner at THE GROSSEST TGI Fridays EVER. DO NOT EVER go to the TGI Fridays in Times Square. It was dirty and nasty, and being in the barfy stage of pregnancy I was in the bathroom a lot. The bathroom was beyond disgusting. There was trash all over the place, of the litter and people variety, and it smelled horrible. The minute we arrived at home, I wrote a letter.
Enough about that though, here are some pictures:
James and Mike:
The tree!!
This is me looking super tired. I was having a good time, but I don't think that really is coming through in this photo:-)
Friday, we spent the day walking through the city. Mike lives about 3 blocks from Central Park, so we started the day by walking through the park. It was so nice to have nothing to do but hang out together and relax. As we strolled through the park, we talked about the future and Baby Joe and how excited we were. If Baby Joe sticks, we'll have a baby just months after Mr. & Mrs. B, which we are stoked for. That was the whole reason for the Baby Phone Tree! The whole day felt surreal. I still can't believe that this is happening!
Training for the new job is going really well. I am learning so much about short term disability, which I will just so happen to need in 9 months or so :-) I truly think this was the right move for me.
As far as being knocked up, so far it hasn't been so bad. I've only been sick a few times and I am exhausted beyond belief, but I'm not complaining. In fact, anytime I feel too "normal" and start to panic that this is all going away, I talk to Baby Joe and ask him/her to make me sick and tired. My baby listens to me and she/he doesn't even have ears yet :-)
I am in complete denial that Christmas is in a week. I've done zero shopping. I have my first appointment on 12/21, and that's all I can think about. So my shopping will most likely start on 12/22 . . .better late than never!

Sorry this is long and boring. Hopefully I have a more exciting post on Wednesday for you all!






Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Yawn

Hi friends.
First things first: you, dear internets, are the best. Thank you for all of your emails and comments! You guys made me feel like a million bucks. :-)
I called Dr. Doesn't Listen to Me ( I know I had another clever name for her, but I'm too tired to look for it now. Its my OB, not the foreign accent RE guy) and they set me up for an appointment on the 21st. No blood test till then. I am only slightly freaking out. So far, I'm pretty sure I'm still pregnant. There was a small, minute spot of blood yesterday but I didn't allow myself to freak out. I'm trying to remember that this is all out of my hands, but I'm terrified of it being taken away.
I've been really really REALLY tired. It is becoming increasingly difficult to drag myself out of bed. I contemplated just peeing my pants yesterday so that I wouldn't have to get up. Lucky for Mr. Joe I decided against just letting go, but I worry that someday soon I will decide that it's totally worth it to pee my pants.
Other than that, and a few moments of nearly barfing, life has been normal. We haven't told many people, just 3 people and the blog, so we pretty much have to pretend that everything is the same. After my appointment on the 21st, we'll tell our parents so until then my lips are sealed. I am praying that we see a heartbeat and everything looks normal.
The new job has been wonderful. We haven't really done anything at all besides learning how to use email and touring the building. Since I am an internal transfer, I don't need any of that mishmosh. My biggest challenge has been staying awake.
Mr. Joe and I are taking a mini 3 day weekend trip to NYC this weekend. I can't wait to go to World Of Disney! Hope everyone has a marvelous weekend!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I have no words for this . . . well, maybe two:

I've had an interesting weekend.

It started on Friday, with my last day at my crap call center job. A chapter closed. I wanted to celebrate by waiting in line at WalMart with my friends to buy Eclipse on DVD at midnight, but I have this awful cold which kept me on the couch instead.

Saturday, I woke up feeling worse. Mr. Joe made me scrambled eggs and cheese in bed, which were marvelous, and I decided that in my gross coughy state, we should not attend our friends' annual Christmas party that night. My celebratory weekend was not turning out the way I had planned at all. Mr. Joe decided around noon that he would take a nap. I wanted to drug myself with Nyquil, but we were fresh out, so out I went to Walgreens.

As I was searching the aisles for my drug of choice, I passed by THE AISLE. You know the one. It occurred to me then that I was late - if I was a normal person. I haven't really been paying attention on our break so I wasn't convinced this meant anything, but I can't resist peeing on things, so on a whim, I bought a FRER. Then I peed on it. Well, first I went home, THEN I peed on it. Then I almost threw up.

At first glance, it looked like a faint positive. Then I realized that the dark line was the test line. It sucked all the ink out of the control line.

Holy shit.

Part of me was fighting this, because it would appear to the outside world that once I just relaxed I ended up pregnant. If you know anything about me, know this: I HATE TO BE TOLD I TOLD YOU SO. Which is precisely what my turd husband said. I would have punched him in the face, but I'm with child, and I thought that would be a bad idea.

Another part of me is extremely cautious. I must only be 10 minutes preggo at this point. We have only told 3 people, and you guys of course. If anything were to go wrong, those are the people I would cry about it to, so it only made sense to say something now.

Still ANOTHER part of me is sad for those of you who haven't made it here yet. I know how it feels to read another BFP post and have the inner war with my emotions. I am still praying every night for you. So far, God has been answering my prayers. It's taken me a little while to trust Him, but He seems to know what He is doing. I understand if you stop reading. I promise not to take it personally. I won't stop reading and praying for you though.

I feel like I am dreaming. I can't believe that tomorrow, I will be training for a job where I won't be talking to angry people who hate me all day long. I can't believe that I will be learning about how to manage some one's case and be growing a human being at the same time. I can't believe that I might be getting everything I've ever wanted.

Holy shit.

Friday, December 3, 2010

O Happy Day!

I thought this day would never come!!! Today is my LAST DAY in the call center!!!!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I can't even describe my excitement. I think the "EEEEEEE" partially sums it up.

Hope everyone has as marvelous a weekend as I will!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you all have had a wonderful, safe holiday!!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Doubt

A while back, when I first started to read infertility blogs and began to suspect that something was wrong with me, I read Jen's blog at Maybe if You Just Relax and almost peed my pants because that girl is hilarious. If you haven't read her blog before, and need a good laugh, please visit her - she's good times.
There is one post that resonated with me in those first few weeks. I don't know where it is now, or even how it was worded, but Jen said something along the lines of this:

Trying for a few months is better than:
A few rounds of clomid is better than:
A few rounds of IUI is better than:
A few rounds of IVF . . .

There was more to her post about the varying degrees of infertility and how they "rank", and I don't think that she meant it to offend or belittle those of us who haven't had to go all the way with IVF or other means of AR, but reading her opinion and knowing what she's been through made me feel like maybe I was overreacting. An infertility "poser", if you will.

I know that was not her intent, and this isn't a post about Maybe If You Just Relax. That poor woman has her share of nasty commenters and I certainly am not one of them. She busted her ass to get to where she is now and I'm not faulting her for opinion or ideas or anything. My feelings of doubt over my fertility status are purely my own. More often than not though, I feel like others think that I am making a bigger deal out of this than I should. Hell, in the beginning I thought that maybe I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. We had only tried for about a yearish, and even then, I thought maybe we weren't really really trying.

Then came charting and no baby.
Then came Dr. H and her "who cares?" attitude.
Then came clomid and still no baby. I'm pretty certain at this point that my issues are a little bigger than a mole hill.

Still, I feel like the people I know in real life think I'm being over dramatic when I talk about this. Mr. Joe tells me I need to relax on a regular basis. He's talked to Dr. Foreign Accent with me. He heard him say that he doesn't think we can do this on our own - and yet!! He tells me to just relax, a phrase which invokes the exact opposite in me. I worry that no one will take me seriously if I share my feelings of jealousy or depression or anger over what continues to elude me. The fact of the matter is, I'm not ill. I'm not dying. But truthfully, in those times when I don't recognize myself, I feel like I am.

I realized today that even though I haven't had to inject myself with all kinds of crap and I haven't moved on to IUI, I am infertile. I have infertility. I cry instead of rejoice at other people's announcements. My eyes dart away when I see a growing belly. I have a deep, aching desire to have a child and make my husband a father. It may not be like cancer, but the thoughts push through my mind like long tendrils of a tumor. It wraps around my lungs and steals my breath when I start to plan for the future. It manifests itself in my obsessive counting of days, my reluctance to plan vacations or outings for fear that I might be pregnant. It is an illness. And I am suffering from it. It has changed who I am - for better or for worse.

I don't want to be that person that gets all righteous and soapboxy with infertility as my "cause". We all have our crosses to bear. For some of us, it's an obvious hardship - poverty, disability, cancer. For others, it's more of a silent epidemic. I still don't plan on being obnoxious when I go to baby showers, or share with Mrs. B that I feel betrayed that the baby phone tree was activated without me. I know that those feelings and actions are irrational and unfair, no matter how badly I want to express them. I simply mean that I am no longer going to doubt myself.

This is my cross to bear. It's not in my head and I'm not being dramatic (well . . . .maybe a little dramatic, but that's only because I am a drama queen by nature). This shit sucks and even if there really is some hierarchy of infertility: IVF over IUI over injections over clomid over several months ttc over one month ttc over drunken accident over The Virgin Mary, I don't care. The feelings are the same. The longing and uncertainty over the future don't hurt any less for those of us who have never seen an RE in comparison to those of us who have practically shown the mailman their lady parts. So if you are a lurker like I once was, reading these posts and thinking that you have no business expressing your feelings because you haven't even mentioned infertility testing to your OB yet, please know that you have just as much right as I do. Don't add doubt to the pile of emotions that you are already feeling. It's only going to delay you. We need to roundhouse kick doubt in the face.

Which is precisely what I plan on doing to my husband the next time he tells me I need to relax.

Monday, November 22, 2010

McFatty Monday

Seeing as my girl Krista has to abandon McFatty Monday, I thought I would start up again - carry the torch so to speak. I've been following along with everyone's MM posts, just not posting one of my own.
So far, P90X is going along fine. I fell right back in, but I think I am going to repeat phase one because I was definitely phoning it in the first two weeks. I am slowly losing weight again, and I'm thinking about doing C25K with Mr. Joe. That makes three times I have mentioned running the C25K program and zero times I have actually done it. This time though guys - I mean business.
Another huge part of my weight loss - or lack thereof - is my eating habits. Both Mr. Joe and I suck at eating healthy. I have been trying to remedy that, but it's slow going. In my recent efforts to distract myself from babymaking, I have been becoming more domestic - I have cleaned and organized almost every closet in the house, our room is spotless and orderly (we live like adults now instead of frat boys!), I have taken over all laundry and cleaning detail, too. I have even been baking cookies, which those of you who know me irl know that it is no small feat to get me to create something that is edible. One time, I tried to make a peanut sauce and basically ended up eating peanut butter covered noodles for 3 days straight because I refuse to throw food out. EWWWW.

Anyway, I didn't mean to get off on a tangent, but my point is this: the next phase of my domestication is going to involve cooking dinner, and making lists and meal plans and all of that happy horseshit. Do any of you do this? What goes into planning out meals - and sticking to that plan? I'm looking for your expert McFatty advice. Hope everyone has a great week!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

"The Phone Tree" or "How Ignorant I Once Was"

Once upon a time, Mrs. Joe was an ignorant moron. She formed a club with the girlfriends of her husband's friends and called it The Wives Club. The Wives Club had big plans. They would all be married. They would all live in the southern part of the state. They would all have children around the same age. Life was to be glorious for The Wives Club. There was nothing but rainbows and unicorns on the horizon of their lives.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Joe came to the sad realization that they could not live in the southern part of the state with the rest of their friends. Their jobs required that they live in the lamest place on Earth. Begrudgingly, they moved into a shack there and continued on their way. So what if they were far away? They could still keep up with the other plans! What could The Wives Club do to make sure that their children were born around the same time?

Thus, the Baby Phone Tree was born! The idea was simple: Mrs. Joe was the first to be married, so she would be the first to get pregnant. She would call Mrs. B, who would then get knocked up herself. Mrs. B would then call Mrs. M; Mrs. M would get pregnant as well and then TaDAAAAA! Everyone is pregnant! A genius plan - because Mrs. Joe was a genius.

With plan in place, Mr. and Mrs. Joe got busy. They tried and tried and tried, but to no avail. "It's ok" Mrs. B said, "Mr. B and I will take our time, too." Comforted, Mrs. Joe continued to try and trick the universe into giving her a baby. Each time, she would fall short. "Go away!" The universe would bellow, "I can't be bothered with your petty requests!"

One night, while Mr. and Mrs. Joe lay quietly in bed, Mr. Joe reached for his wife's hand.
"Have you talked about things with Mrs. B?" he asked.
"What do you mean by 'things'?"
Mr. Joe turned to her, and she knew what "things" meant before Mr. Joe had to explain.
The Phone Tree had been activated without her.



Thursday, November 11, 2010

The post where I ask rhetorical questions . . .

Why does bad shit happen?

Do any of you read Life and Love in the Petri Dish? I'm sorta a lurker on her blog. Recently, they found out they were pregnant for the 6th time. These people have had to go through hell and back. Mo is a cancer survivor, and together she and Will have suffered through 6 miscarriages, the most recent occurring only yesterday. SIX - I can't even imagine. My heart breaks for them.

I know that I'm not very vocal about my faith on here, and to be honest, I'm not very vocal in the real world either. I believe in God and I pray regularly for my friends and family and you (yes you!). When tragedy like this occurs though, I don't know how to explain it. I know there were many who were praying for Mo and Will - all six times - and yet . . .

I realize God is not a magic genie (like Finn thought grilled cheesus was on Glee) and that the "answer" to prayer may be no, but then what is the point of praying? What would it take for Mo and Will or you or me or anyone to have the situation work out in their favor? More people praying? More good deeds? Is a "no" punishment for something they or you or I've done?

There are times when I look at the life that I have, and despite everything - the loss of my brother, my lack of children, our financial struggles - I have faith that I am loved and that He is providing what I need. But there are also times when I start another cycle or when I see another pregnancy announcement and that faith falters. Or I wonder what I have done to warrant this set of circumstances. I did it when my brother was ill and when he passed away. Why did he have to die while countless others beat cancer? Why do Mr. Joe's asshole cousins get to crank out kids that they can't afford and don't take care of when we've been trying for what feels like an eternity? What can I do to atone for the sins I'm being punished for?

I wish there was some way of finding concrete answers to my questions, but I suppose that's what makes faith what it is - confidence in the unseen and unknown. Belief that a promise made will be kept. Easier said than done.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Here I am.

No one has asked where I've gone, but I thought I would check in anyway :-)

First up: P90X is kicking my ass. More so than the first time. I think this is because I remember where I was when I left off, and I feel like I've gone so far from that place when I can't do the same number of reps or minutes or whatever. I've been sorta phoning it in at times, but at least I'm doing it.

Next: Remember the wedding I mentioned a few posts back where I was worried there would be a fight? Well, we made it through the whole night fight free . . . until we were packing up to leave. One of the nasty wenches on the dark side pushed one of Mr. Joe's aunts and then a fight for her honor ensued. Thankfully, my lack of Clomid rage prevented me from beating anyone with my hammy arms. Instead, I took on the role of smoother outer and attempted to console the bride with Mr. Joe. Poor thing. Let's just say the groom's family now has a distinct impression of us.

My little projects around the house are going well. I have completely reorganized our bedroom, the laundry room, painted the living room. I'm saving our spare room for last, since that room holds the double whammy of being the catch all for my brother's stuff and the room we would make a nursery. Cleaning it out will be difficult - so it will probably stay messy for a while. Whatever. It feels very liberating to get things in order and keep them that way. Before, I was terrified that people would drop in unexpectedly and judge our sloppiness. Now, they won't get the chance. So take that judgey mcjudgersons!

All in all, this "break" is going well, but I still have botb all day long. Will that ever go away?

Friday, October 29, 2010

P90X it is.

I started af on Tuesday. At work, of course, so I couldn't really afford to cry and carry on like I did last month.

I cried a little anyway. Ironically, as I gazed out the window in an effort to compose myself, one of summer's last bumble bees was buzzing around. I heard the distinct smack as it flew into the window pane. Then again. Then again. "That's silly," I thought to myself, "why would you keep flying into the same spot after being (painfully) rejected 3 times?" I half giggled, until I realized that the bee was not the only one hitting the same obstacle over and over again. We've flown into the window several more times than the bee, each time the feeling the sting a little deeper.

ahhhhhhh this sucks and I hate it.

So P90x it is for a little while. We leave for Disney in 113 days, so that gives me plenty of time to tone up and look svelte for the hot February sun. I will look the sexiest I have ever been. I will research the book I want to write. I will drink beer. Maybe I'll finally start piano lessons again or pick up a camera or something. We still have so much to do with the house. As I looked around last night, I saw all of the projects I've been putting off because I wanted to be pregnant. There were things I wanted to do before all of this began. Maybe this is my sign to do them.

I'm going to try not to be low and melancholy about it all. This month is a tough one for me, as I've said about a million times before. Part of me thinks I always knew that this month would not be it. I'm sad, but not broken. I just need a break from this. I need to find a new doctor, one who maybe monitors patients on clomid instead of just writing a script and wishing them luck. I need to settle into my new job and work out a new schedule. I need to let go of some of the grief I am carrying around. None of that can be very conducive to making a baby.

Mr. Joe is not really on board with my break idea, so I will continue to chart (sorta) and we will still have sex. Not that we wouldn't have sex anyway, I guess what I meant was that he'll be timing sex. I won't because I will be too busy enjoying all of the new hobbies I will be taking on. And Tony Horton!! I'll be enjoying my boyfriend Tony Horton again.

I know I can't just turn off the baby brain I have. It will be there until I'm holding a baby (one that belongs to me, not just any old baby) in my arms. I'm pretty sure that once I beef up my fat hammy arms, I'll be able to push it to the back of my mind at least.

So. Be prepared for non-ttc dribble and other nonsense. Or be prepared to ignore me for a few weeks or months.

Just please tell me we'll still be friends and you won't all board the baby train and ride off into the sunset without me.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Stuck

This is my 100th post. I imagined this to be a magical milestone in my blogging career . . . but I've got nothing. No pearls of wisdom. Nothing funny to say. No BFP or BFN. Not even a picture.

I'm stuck.

I decided if I don't bleed by this Friday, I will test. If not, we're taking a break. I will start P90X again, we will save the last round of clomid for another day. I need to give my ovaries, and my heart, a rest. Also, we're going to a wedding on 11/6 and if I am in the throws of another round of clomid I will most likely start a trashy brawl with some of the family members that will be there. As it is, I may start a fight anyway. I have yet to gain back my "filter" this month. Trust that if I end up with a black eye, I will post pictures. And not to worry - I won't ruin anyone's big day. I'll take it outside to the parking lot :-)

Remember the new job I get to start soon? Well, when they said they had to push the date back to November, the really meant December. 6th, to be exact. I have 30 work days left until I can escape this headset and cubicle. I have a little countdown going on to motivate me to keep going. I'm not going to lie - it's tough having to wait. Even with a date set for my departure, it feels like I'm never getting out! Just another lesson in patience. I feel like I am taking a senior level course in patience lately. I wish I could just graduate with a master's in it already.

The anniversary of my brother's death is hurtling towards me like an Armageddon-esque asteroid. I keep meaning to say something about him here, but I start to write and then end up with nothing usable. I think part of it is that I want to honor him by writing some amazing and poetic piece. . . but I am not really that great with words. I end up with a sentence or two about how my initial grief has turned into unrelenting regret and then I get all emo - like and weepy and who wants that? I thought this would be easier the further away the whole ordeal gets. It is not. I feel like I miss him even more.

So, in summary: I am stuck waiting for a decision to be made for me - will it be P90X or baby? I may or may not beat people up at a wedding in two weeks. I miss my brother. You've spent 100 moments with my mindless blurbs. I am grateful. <-------- Not sarcasm (I know I need to include a disclaimer when I am being sincere).

Friday, October 15, 2010

I am going to Dethrone the Burger King

That cocky bastard has messed with the wrong fat kid.

If there is one thing on this earth that makes me want to hurl, it is orange cheese. Especially orange American cheese. Just typing the words makes my mouth all spitty.

I have been insatiably hungry today for some reason. I was not really satisfied with my breakfast this morning, and was really looking forward to lunch. For some strange reason, I wanted a whopper jr. This was no mere craving friends. It was a deep, definite, NEED for a whopper jr. - no lettuce, no pickles.

I ask you: Does that seem terribly difficult to deliver?

Apparently, because some total ASSHOLE decided to spoil my delicious whopper jr. by tainting it with their NASTY orange cheese. Sadly, I was unaware my whopper was tainted until I sat down at my desk and opened the wrapper. The RAGE bubbled up inside me like hot melty orange cheese hatred.

I realize this may not seem like a huge deal to you, but to me, orange cheese is MADDENING. There's not even a good reason for it to be orange! They COLOR it that way. Just gross.

Needless to say, being on Clomid has really made me an angry person. I seriously contemplated walking off the job and marching down to BK to smoosh someone's face in the disgusting atrocity they tried to pass off as a burger. Instead, I let my coworker eat it.

Maybe I'm in a mood because today would have been my last day here if this place didn't make it it's job to suck the life out of me. Maybe it's because today is the crazy preggo's last day before maternity leave. Maybe it's because I feel decidedly NOT knocked up.

Regardless of the reason, The BK should watch his back. That asshole is going down.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Thank you for calling . . . blah blah blah

Today would have been my last Wednesday if the fertiles hadn't invaded my team. I'm trying not focus on that. Instead, I am focusing on the fact that it is CD18.

Who else (show of hands) thinks those opks are difficult to read? Anyone? No one? Is it just me?

Probably just me. I think I got a positive opk on CD14. It looked pretty positive. The test line was darker than the control line. On CD15, the test line was lighter than the control line. Naturally, I threw both tests in the trash without taking a picture so you could all obsess with me. I know you're all disappointed - sorry!

"But Mrs. Joe", you are most likely saying, "What about CD16- 17?" Well, I sorta forgot to pee on the opks after CD15, so I guess we'll never know about those days. I'll probably forget today too, so don't hold your breath. Last night was more of the organs-feel-too-large-for-my-abdomen feeling so maybe that was when I ovulated. We're leaving nothing to chance, but I want to know when a reasonable time to test would be. Anyone been in a similar situation? Probably not, because you all know how to read those stupid opks and know when you ovulate.

This weekend is the crazy coworker's baby shower. I'm going. I think it's going to be ok. I don't intend to sob in the middle of her party while she's opening presents or anything - that would be ridiculous - but I do think it will be a little hard. A lesson in patience, that's for sure.

I'll be sure to tell you all about it. I bet you can't wait!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Fantastic News!

The universe has heard my cry.

For a new job anyway.

!!!!!!!!!

I will FINALLY be hanging up my headset for the last time. I'm moving to a new department in the company starting in November! Instead of taking calls all day, I'll be handling short term disability claims - which I'm sure will come with its own set of sucky tasks, but not one of those tasks involves having to work in a call center!!!!!! In fact, I will get to work from home 2 days a week so I don't have to drive my awful commute everyday.

I was supposed to start next friday, but because there are so many knocked up ladies on my team, they are making me wait until November so they can replace me. I'm trying to focus on the fact that I have a definite escape plan, but it was hard not to be ticked off that I'm being forced to stay for two extra weeks. I want out so badly though, so I'm just sucking it up as best I can. My calls might not be so stellar though. I've mentally checked out already.

Clomid is kicking my ass like whoa. I have been yelling at strangers, waking up sweaty, and my organs feel like they're rearranging again to make room for my huge ovaries. I start peeing on opks today, CD13. I have never been this sweaty before. It's gross. I'm sitting at my desk with a fan on high, contemplating taking my pants off while my coworkers freeze. Also, my back has been hurting. I'm not sure if that's a side effect or not though. I could just be extra complainy.

Thank you all for your positive new job vibes/thoughts/prayers - they really came through! Now I am focusing all of my energy on growing a mini me. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Friday, October 1, 2010

TGIF

Hello friends!

I'm on CD6 and so far, Clomid is kicking my ass a little harder this time. Yesterday, I almost melted in my seat while everyone around me froze. I also almost punched a coworker in the face for accusing me of mishandling the donuts from our morning meeting. However, she saw me give her the crazy eye I think, and thought better of messing with this bull.
Another of my team members is knocked up. I kept it together when she told me. She said she didn't want me to be sad and I could tell she felt guilty. I felt so horrible that she thought I would be upset. Nevermind the fact that I was upset - I'm pretty sure that was the Clomid acting up. At least that's what I'm telling myself.
I have an interview today for another area of the company so there may be a change of scenery for me. If you can spare a good vibe or prayer, will you send it my way please? This will be difficult month for me as Halloween marks the one year anniversary of my brother's death, and a change in jobs might be just the distraction I need. That and I hate hate hate this job now :-)
Thats all for now have a marvelous weekend!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Not this time either.

I knew that I would regret letting myself go crazy with the baby stuff.
I woke up yesterday morning, needing an answer after dreaming of rocking babies to sleep all night. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that was confirmed by the test. Negative. Again.

At first, I felt ok. I steeled myself, looked at my face in the mirror, and tried to convince myself that I knew it all along. But as the hot water washed over me and I started to cry, I knew I hadn't fooled anyone. Least of all myself. This time felt like it for us. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TIME!!!! We had another high school football game to attend that afternoon, so after sharing the news with Mr. Joe, I got it together and off we went. The team lost horribly and just added to my mood.

For the rest of the day, I was pretty much a weepy, lame, mess. At one point I decided that I wanted ice cream from Friendly's down the road, so I left Mr. Joe home with one of his friends (the coach of the losing team) and drove off. Have I ever told you that I'm a car cryer? Well, I am. The minute I get in the car alone, if there is even something remotely upsetting to me, I will cry as I drive around like a total tool. Naturally, this day was no exception. I ended up taking 20 minutes to get my act together so I could order my ice cream, but I must not have done very well because the girl behind the counter (who I had previously fought with over what making a sundae with "extra" of something consists of) asked me if I wanted extra sprinkles or extra cherries. Then as she handed me my order she looked me square in the eye and told me she hoped my night would be better. I hadn't tricked anybody that I was normal.

It was at this point that I wished that I could invite all my bloggy friends to a pity party for me -with party hats and everything! Sadly, I didn't know any of your numbers so you all missed out. Bet you're sorry. Thankfully, I had one infertile to talk me down before I completely lost my mind. Mr. Joe's cousin is truly a godsend. I am so thankful for her. After our conversation, I decided that I needed to dust myself off and get back on the proverbial horse. I am working on letting go of the idea that any of this will be easy for us.

Today is CD1. We have two cycles of Clomid left. We're not giving up. If after these two cycles we're still babyless, then we will find a new RE and go from there. We're going to do everything we can think of to give us the best chance in these next two cycles. I just want to be sure that I've given it my all before we go down any new roads.

Thanks, friends for your encouragement over the last couple of weeks. I really appreciate your kind words and emails. It makes it a million times easier to do this knowing that we are not the only ones to face this. I wish I could invite you all over for dinner, but I can't cook. Unless you count rice and macaroni. If you're okay with that, then come on over.

Sorry this is so long. If you saw how long this post was and scrolled down to the bottom, here is a summary: I'm not pregnant, I cried a lot yesterday when I found out, I was huge baby about it for a day, now we're moving on to the next cycle. The end.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Soooooo is the 2ww ever a 3ww?

Its CD32 and so far . . . nothing has happened.

I have not seen a BFP. I have not seen anything remotely resembling AF.
Any guesses at what's going on? There's really only two options here, but what happens when you can't confirm either of those options?

I'm trying to wait patiently for one or the other to happen. I am not a patient person though. Every now and then, I feel a "knocking" in there, like my uterus is telling me it's getting ready to give me something - but no indications as to what that something will be. My hope is that it's a baby, but if we're being truthful with one another Internet, I just want to KNOW for Pete's sake!

Monday, September 20, 2010

CD? ?DPO . . . An Open Letter to Friends and Acquaintances

Dear Everyone I Know:

Please stop getting knocked up until I have successfully been knocked up first. I want to be happy and excited for you, but I am a cold hearted bitch and cannot fight my jealous feelings when I see your announcements. The resulting inner conflict leaves me barfy and sad at my general bitter state. I could try to stay off of facebook, but then I would become bored at work and coloring only entertains me for so long. To be frank, everything is about me, me, me, so stop being so selfish already and focus more on me. Love, Mrs. Joe

I don't know where I am in this cycle. Literally and figuratively.

Naturally, I did just what I said I wasn't going to do on Friday and I took a test when I got home from work. Of course, it was negative and of course, I threw a tantrum. I tried my best to get it together for the football game, and for the most part I succeeded. Given the results, I'm going to guess that I did not ovulate on CD15 and instead did a few days later and this is actually 9 or 10 DPO, which could still be too early for a BFP. I'm still holding out for it.

I hate feeling like a total bitch every time I see an announcement on fb or at work or some other place. The latest announcement is from a good friend from high school, and she wasn't flashy or obnoxious about it either. In fact, I had to stalk her page a little to confirm it. I wanted to be happy for her. For a moment, I was. Then, envy started creeping in and no matter how I tried to squash it, the feeling sorta took over. How is it possible that I can recognize the jealousy taking over, but I can't stop it??? Most of that open letter is a joke, but the internal war I fight with myself really does make me sick. This is not the person I want to be.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Still here!

I think this is 10DPO. I say I think because a few days after CD15, the day I thought I O'd, I had crazy feelings of something happening where I think my ovaries are. I don't know if it was ovulation pain or just general unhappiness with me that I grew them to the size of tennis balls, but my ovaries were unhappy. Or at the very least, uncomfortable. Mr. Joe and I were hanging around the living room, watching TV, and I started to second guess myself. What if I was wrong about CD15 and TODAY was the day?? WHAT IF I WAS DROPPING ALL THE EGGS IN MY BODY RIGHT NOW? I immediately stood up, sneezed, and then crumpled to the floor because I felt like my left ovary had exploded. Mr. Joe was all concerned with my well-being, but I wouldn't let him do anything about it because I was dead set on not missing this chance! We had to get it on.

****TMI AHEAD****
It was one of the most painful times ever. I just think my whole area had reached maximum capacity and Mr. Joe's "addition" was what threw me over the edge. I already looked a little pregnant by the time we were finished. Maybe that time had instant effects? Who knows?
****End of TMI****

That brings us to today. 10DPO if I O'd on CD15, 7 or 8 DPO if it happened when my organs almost exploded a few days later. I told myself all week I would test today, but then I chickened out and I'm going to try to hold on for as long as I can. I don't want to be disappointed tonight, because I'm going to a local high school football game where our friend is the head coach. This is his first game ever as a coach, and he's super nervous. I would hate to be all Debbie Downer on his special night, so I'm just not going to test.

I might not test ever. I have a serious fear of the fallout after a negative test. I hate being let down, and right now I'm content in pretending that this might be it and maybe right now there's a little life floating around in there.

A really, teeny, tiny one - because nothing else will fit.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Ahhhh I can't stop!!

I cannot stop looking at cute baby things! Look what I found on etsy:


So cute for Disney freak like me. I know I'm putting the cart miles before the horse. Rational Mrs. Joe knows she should not be playing into these fantasies. Crazy Mrs. Joe doesn't care what rational Mrs. Joe thinks.

In other news: Mr. Joe's grandmother just had surgery for a huge (non cancerous) tumor on her thyroid. The recovery has been rough. She should be going home today, but she is in a lot of pain. If you have a spare thought or prayer for her we would appreciate it.


Thursday, September 9, 2010

2DPO

Today I'm starting to feel a little less hopeful. For fun, (read: because I am a loser) I decided to do some review of the steps it takes to conceive. I can't help but feel a little discouraged at how everything needs to be in the right place to be successful. How the hell do the Duggars do it?
On top of that I have the most hideous UTI of my life. I forced myself to drink cranberry juice to help with the symptoms and hopefully get rid of it all together. I decided this morning that cranberry juice tastes like vomit to me. This revelation caused actual vomit to come up a little.

Speaking of vomit, guess what the cat did just before I was about to leave for work? The force of barfing threw the cat backwards. Poor kitty. Poor Mrs. Joe.

Somebody call the waaaaaaaaaahmbulance.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Humming the Jeopardy tune

doo doo doo da da doo doo doo . . . So I'm 1DPO over here and so far this wait has been agonizing. It's going to be a long two weeks. I refuse to test early though. I'm going to let my crazy imagination run as far as it can go until my 2 week wait is up. No sense in stopping now.

In an effort to pass the time more quickly, I picked up The Hunger Games to read while I wait.



Unfortunately, it was very good and I read it in a day.



Anyone else read it? Stephenie Meyer (the author of the Twilight series) suggested it on her site once, and even though I think she's an "ehhh" writer, I decided I would give this one a try. I thought it was very good and now I'm searching for the next book. Hopefully I can find it today. I doubt it will take me long to finish reading this series though, so I really need to find something else to occupy my time. Any suggestions?
Also: Yay!! I have 20 even followers!! I love even numbers. I am a dork.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Crossing everything over here . . .

because if it doesn't happen this cycle, this is really going to hurt.

For some reason this time around, clomid has been a pain in my ass. Or more accurately, a pain in my abdomen. I feel like my ovaries are ginormous rocks taking over my lower half. There doesn't seem to be enough room to accompany all of my organs anymore. And the hot flashes - last time I wasn't sure if I was having them or if it was just really hot. This time around, there's no second guessing if it's a flash or not. I start sweating like a hooker in church, which is awkward because they have me training with a nice guy this week and I am constantly taking layers off. Then, after about 20 minutes of burning alive, I start to freeze and put all of my layers back on. After 20 minutes of that, I have to get up because I'm barfy. I go through this cycle of hot, cold, barf, about a million times throughout the day, so I'm sure my trainer thinks I'm crazy.

All of that is a constant reminder of why I'm "suffering" (not really suffering, but it's pretty annoying) and has me at a new level of make believe. About 24 hours of my day are spent daydreaming about how I will tell Mr. Joe he's going to be a father, how we will tell other people, what colors we'll use in the nursery, names, middle names, announcements . . . on and on. The logical side of me knows this is dangerous, but the clomid-ridden hormonal side of me can't stop. It doesn't help that Mr. Joe seems to have BOTB too, even though he has no idea what he's talking about. Yesterday, he asked me if I was "on my cycle yet". I'm still not sure what he was asking about. The other day, he referred to my period as "my thingy" LOL. At this point, I just tell him what nights to show up. Today is CD10, which means Tuesday is O-day, so it will be a very busy weekend :-)

God I hope this works.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Back to Reality

I did not want to come home from Hilton Head.
I tried to convince Mr. Joe that we could just stay there and be homeless for a little while and it would all work out, but he wouldn't listen. So sadly, we had to go home. We drove so it was a loooooong 16 hours home. Normally, I like being in the car with Mr. Joe. I usually have a great time with that guy (part of the reason why I married him), but for most of this trip, he was gripping onto the handle on the door and pumping an imaginary brake in the passenger seat, claiming "other people's driving" made him nervous. I think he was lying to avoid me exploding clomid rage all over his face, but I assure you friends - I WAS LEAVING PLENTY OF SPACE IN FRONT OF ME. There, I feel better now that I have proclaimed that to the world.

One of the best things about this trip was watching my husband horse around with the kids in the pool. The people that we met on this trip were so friendly and their kids LOVED my husband. This, naturally made my empty womb ache for a whole litter of children, no surprise there. Now, whether or not he was doing it as a ploy to get lucky that night (he claims that was his reason for continuing to play with the kids), something in him definitely changed last week. Before, he was all relaxed about it and couldn't understand why I was upset every time it didn't happen for us. Now, he seems a little more . . . motivated, I guess. I'm not sure what word I'm looking for - but whatever word it is - that's what my husband is now. So back on the clomid I go. If this doesn't work, I only have two more refills after this and then after that . . . who knows? We're not thinking that far out right now. In fact, I'm not thinking about the present, let alone the future. My mind is still on the beach, even if my body is at work listening to some geezer try to reset his password.

I'll post pictures of Hilton Head later this week to show you all how beautiful it is there. Now our next vacation isn't until Feb when we go to Disney. Wouldn't it be great if I could distract myself until then by being with child??

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Bummed

Clomid didn't work for us this month. I took a test this morning, and there was a little speck above the horizontal line that maybe could have been a vertical line, so I over analyzed for a little bit this morning, before I decided that at 14DPO, there would be a definite line if I was knocked up. And so I am not.
Maybe I wouldn't be as disappointed if I didn't give up certain things this month "just in case". Like P90X or drinking heavily or heroin. So now I am slightly fatter and sober instead of all glowy and preggo.
Thankfully, today's meal in the cafe is mac and cheese, so I am drowning my sorrows in melted cheese. We leave for vacation to Hilton Head in 3 days, so hopefully after that we can start fresh. Sorry to be boring and all debbie downer.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Another Recap Post, because that's all I seem to do . . .

This weekend, Mr. Joe and I joined Chrissy and her boyfriend on a trip to our nation's capital. You'll be glad to know your tax dollars are hard at work there. I promise. We were also hard at work, as is evidenced by this photo of Chrissy and I holding up the capital building. We took a very long day trip to the city, and then later that night we went to my favorite piano bar in Georgetown, Mr. Smith's. It was a much needed break from my lame-o job and such.

I was brought back to reality Monday morning, when on my way into work I tripped on the stairs and skinned my knee in front of about 5 suited, profesh looking people. Awesome. Then, at breakfast, I dropped my bagel on the floor of the cafe. I thought about eating it for a hot second, and then decided that it was not a good idea. I really wanted to call it at day at that point.

Today, I came in to the preggo at work talking about touring the hospital and planning for the birth and I was trying my best not to vomit jealousy all over my keyboard. I hate being jealous of her, because apart from the whole "being knocked up" part, she doesn't really have a glamorous life. It's the other preggo I work with whose life I'd like to take over . . . she is very quiet thought and doesn't seem to bother me as much as the first one does.
08/18 is 14dpo, so we'll see what happens then. And what will happen next.

Part of me wants this time to be it, so I can quit thinking about when it will happen for us and move on with our lives. The other part of me will probably be terrified if it is. This whole "living life" business would be so much easier if we were just told when things would happen!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

REcap

Hello all,
Here is an update on my life in handy bullet points:

*My birthday was Thursday and I turned 28 years old. Which is old in my opinion, because it is pretty close to the 30, the age I expect to be in a career (not a call center) and have a child (of the human variety).
*I finished taking the Clomid. I am pretty sure that I experienced hot flashes, but they weren't horrible. I KNOW I experienced what some call "Clomid Courage" when I almost beat the snot out of a really nasty drunk girl at the Rascal Flatts concert I went to on Saturday. I still get so amped up thinking about it, I give myself adrenaline rushes. That asshole is lucky that people were holding me back, because I would have done some serious damage.
*Today I should ovulate, if everything goes according to plan.
*I have received numerous calls on applications I have submitted, so fingers crossed I find a new, responsibility ridden job soon!
*Mr. Joe has surprised me with another trip to Disney in February! We're staying in our time share and taking our friends Chris and Katie who are Disney virgins - which is the main reason that we're going again. I have had to convince everyone that this wasn't my idea because they think I'm crazy for going again. Which I am.
*I have managed to maintain my weight since I took a break from P90X. I am really happy that I've managed not to blow back up, but considering my actions foodwise and healthwise, I am surprised. I bet if I didn't take a break I would be even less. Assuming the clomid works, I will have to wait to work out for a few (or 9) months - so we'll have to wait and see what happens.

That's pretty much it. I'm not really prepared one way or the other if we get knocked up this time around. On the one hand it seems a tad irresponsible because we are planning things and trying to budget what little money we have now and it's hard enough without adding a baby to the mix. On the other hand, we're constantly told that we will never be able to afford children anyway so there's no time like the present. I struggle alot with the decisions we're making and I'm just hoping that they are the right ones. There are times when I think that my life right now has everything that I wanted in place before we had children. Sometimes, I'm overcome with the love I have for my husband and the small life that we have in our crappy house. I know that if I never have a baby, or move out of our shack, or find a new job that I will still be incredibly blessed. Those are the times when I think that God is telling us that we're not ready. Then I think, if I wasn't ready, WHY THE HELL DO I WANT A CHIILD SO BADLY??? I seriously think I have some chemical imbalance in my brain that causes my uterus to want to fill with children, but leaves my ovaries dark and empty. I guess we just wait and see from here.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Here I Am!

Sorry for the brief hiatus there, I wasn't planning on taking a mini break. It just sorta happened that way. Here is an update on all things Mrs. Joe:

1) I still hate my job. Still looking for a new job - which basically, means I apply for anything and everything that is not call center. I think at this point I would clean elephant assholes if it paid relatively the same and rescued me from this place. (What would my title be? Assholetologist? I feel like I am pretty well qualified to perform that job.)

2) Still working on weight loss, just not as arduously as before. We've been really busy around here, seeing as it's busy time at my phone monkey job and at the movies and the house and yard are still in DESPERATE need of upgrading and improvement. I've lost motivation to workout after spending all of my time hating my job and busting my ass at my house. I definitely need to find that motivation again. Does anyone know how to find lost motivation?

3) Still not preggers, though I am taking Clomid this cycle to see what happens. This is my one and only Rx for it, so hopefully it does something. I have read alot about the symptoms and so far, I have had ZERO. At least, I think I have had zero. Every time I feel remotely warm I think to myself (in a loud inside-my-head voice), IS THIS A HOT FLASH? DOES ANYONE ELSE LOOK HOT?? HOW WILL I KNOW??? As a result I end up constantly gauging the internal thermostats of my coworkers and checking them with my own. They must think I'm queer.

4) Mr. Joe and I have started this new, radical idea for our marriage and finances. It's called Let One Person Take Care of the Bills Using Only One Joint Account. It's a relatively new concept in running a household. Instead of having three checking accounts (one for me, one for him, one for us), we now have just one account that we put all of our money in. I know it sounds crazy, right? This all stemmed from the constant overdraft fees I was accumulating (37 bucks each time friends) every time I neglected to move money into the right account or I forgot that a payment was coming out. Mr. Joe just about divorced me, but instead decided that he was taking away my debit card and giving me an allowance. So at 27 years of age, I have an allowance. It's not a set amount of money per week or anything, but basically whatever amount of cash Mr. Joe hands to me is my spending money until he has more cash for me. He hands me cash about once (sometimes twice!) a week. Then he pays all of the bills. This is working out splendidly because a) I don't have to do anything and b) magically, when I don't have my debit card, I end up with hundreds left over at the end of every pay period.

So that about covers it. I'll try to keep everyone updated more often. I know how you guys hang on my every word. I do have a funny story to share about a creepy stalker I have at the movies and an arm wrestling stalker that Mr. Joe has at his job.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Apparently I didn't cross them hard enough.

So the super awesome job I interviewed for is not mine. They decided to hire internally, to which I say, THANKS FOR WASTING MY TIME TURDS! I won't lie, I took the news pretty hard. I was at work and after I hung up the phone, I silently sobbed at my desk for a minute or two. Then I asked Chrissy (who I chat with on gmail) to help me list all of the reasons why I didn't want that job anyway. We came up with about 3:

1)It was further away than this stupid job is and Mr. Joe and I want to move closer to home
2)I could not chat on gmail with Chrissy at the new job like I can now
3)I would end up busting my ass at work and not getting paid OT because I would be exempt

Though listing the reasons helped a little, the rejection still stung like a hot-pavement knee scrape. That night for dinner, I kind of went overboard and had 3 chalupas and a soft taco, followed by an ice cream sundae. Oops.

Today, the search is back on for a new job - so if you have a spare moment, send whatever prayers / positive thoughts / good juju you can afford my way please. My hammy arms can't take much more rejection.

Monday, July 12, 2010

McFatty Monday: Disney Edition

One of my favorite things about Monday (and probably my only favorite thing about Monday) is McFatty time. Here's a confession: I haven't gotten back into the swing of things since vacation. My boyfriend Tony Horton is probably missing me terribly. I'll be back soon baby, I promise!! The good news is that I haven't gained. The bad is that I stopped losing. But that will start up again soon, I'm sure. In the meantime, I would like to show you a little comparison of about a year: This was me in July 2009 -

I remember coming home from that trip and seeing myself for the first time as fat. UGH. I just hate this picture!!! here I am in the same shirt one year later though:


I know it's hard to see a difference, because we're sitting down, but there is a difference there. Still not 100%, but I'm working on it. After the last two weeks of P90X, I'm going to start on the Classic program. Anyone wanna join me (I'm talking to you Krista!!)

PS: I wish I was back in Disney!!!!

Hope everyone has a marv week. Be sure to read the fab McFatty Post by Metta this week.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Vacation Summary

I'm so sad to be back to my real life! I wish I could live at Disney World forever, however, I would not want to live at the POP Century forever. I love me some Disney hotels, but the bed in our room was horrendous. Mr. Joe and I normally sleep on a huge king bed, and these were tiny baby beds in comparison. I think I slept for a total of 30 minutes the whole trip. Naturally, that didn't keep me from being up at the crack of dawn every day to go out to the parks though. Poor Mr. Joe. I wear him out. Here are some pictures: This is my favorite statue, but it kinda makes me sad when I see it. Walt is pointing down Main Street towards another statue of his brother, Roy sitting on a bench with Minnie, pointing to the person he will leave in charge when he dies. Morbid. There's more to the explanation, but I don't want to sound like HUGE dork, so there it is: my favorite statue.

These are my parents. They paid for my entire family to go down for this trip. Aren't they cute? My Dad's shirt says "I'm with Dopey" and my Mom's says "I'm with Grumpy".

Mr. Joe and my niece were matchy matchy. I thought it was cute.



Mr. Joe, my little brother, my sister and I all drank around the world at EPCOT. We made it to all but one of the countries. It was a rough night, needless to say :-) PS: best drink ever? A Grand Mariner Orange Slushy drink in France. HOLY DELICIOUS DRINK BATMAN!

My little (HA) brother and Mr. Joe matched on this day.


I'm so cheesy I made Mr. Joe pose with me. He was so drunk that obliged.

It was a pretty short trip in all. When we came back, we stayed at a room at Foxwoods casino and tried to go out with friends that met us there, but we were exhausted by 9pm. Then, on the last day of vacation, I had a job interview at an insurance company for an AMAZING job that is NOT IN A CALL CENTER!!! Cross your fingers, toes and legs (unless you're trying to get knocked up ladies) that they liked me! Not once during the interview did any warning bells go off in my head, so that 's good sign right? Hope so. Missed you all terribly, glad to be back!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I'm back from Vacation . . .

But not posting yet. I promise byt he end of this week I will share some pictures and tell you all about my fabulous Africa Hot trip to Florida. In the meantime, I want to share what is keeping me amused today:


Those guys are so silly.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Some Random Thoughts on this NSYNC video

Even though I am slightly embarrassed to admit that my friends and I watched this video over and over again when we were 16, I still get nostalgic for these guys. They just seemed like the perfect men. Especially Lance. We should have known that he was gay, he was just TOO perfect.

Now that I am a little more mature, watching this video makes me realize how blinded by love I was. Today, I am pondering the following:

1) Did Justin just come back from orbiting the moon before this concert? And why was his ADIDAS spacesuit 3 sizes too big for him?? The rest of the crowd seems to be wearing shorts and tees. Is he not sweltering in the spacesuit?

2) I know this was like 1998, but were camouflage overalls still cool? Were they ever cool?

3) What is the point of all of those hangy things off of JC's vest? It looks like he parachuted in. Maybe out of Justin's spaceship?

Hopefully I have distracted you from the fact that you will not get a picture of me this week. Mr. Joe and I have been a little busy and he hasn't had the time for photo shoot. So You'll just have to wait until next week when I return home from the happiest place on earth EEEEEEEEEEE. Will you miss me?

Thursday, June 24, 2010

WANNA BE ROOMIES??????

Look what my awesome friend Amy sent me!!!!!:

http://perezhilton.com/2010-06-23-wanna-live-at-disney-world

I MUST LIVE THERE. Sadly, I can't currently swing the asking price. So, does anyone wanna go halvsies on a house with me??? I'll do dishes and laundry!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Mrs. Joe's Greatest Hits

So today. Oh Today, you started off pretty shitty. Nothing like a temp drop at 6:30 in the morning to make you feel defeated for the rest of the day. Kinda like POAS every morning. To bring you up to speed: I thought maybe by some miracle I ovulated right at the perfect time and Mr. Joe and maaaaaaaaybe created a baby Joe. Jury's still out for certain until AF comes, but she'll prolly be here soon, based on this morning's temp. Naturally, this caused a dramatic and weepy start to my day, where I cried (again) at my desk because WOE IS MRS. JOE.
And just to add some more dramatic flare, I put on one of my favorite sad songs to pepper my pain:


Then, Mrs. Rootbeer and my bestie Chrissy made me feel better. I was still listening to Hallelujah, but it was on repeat in the background while I took calls. I couldn't help but feel a little like I was on a reality show and that Hallelujah was the perfect song to enhance the drama that is my life. Then, I started to think about what the soundtrack of Mrs. Joe's Reality Show would include. I came up with a few songs:
The theme song would be:


It would definitely include, Soundgarden's "I knew I loved you" for my friend Ronnie, and "Movin' Right Along" from the Muppet Movie for Chrissy. I would throw in "Red Neck Woman" because even if I'm not a red neck, I am a touch trashy, so it would apply. "God Blessed the Broken Road" would make it, since it's my wedding song with Mr. Joe, but the song in his honor would be Denise William's "Let's Hear it for the Boy" because I always joke with him about that song. The last song on the soundtrack would be for baby Joe, because every time I hear it, I think about future child, and it brightens my day. Even if my temp drops to zero degrees:

How about you guys? What would be on your soundtrack? I would totally watch all of your reality shows. (Mrs. Rootbeer, remember our idea for the MTV show "20 Something and Barren"? Still a good idea!)

Monday, June 21, 2010

McFatty Monday

This time next week, I will be in the happiest place on earth!!!
So, no McFatty Monday next week. Just to warn you ahead of time, here is a list of things I intend to eat on this trip:
1) A mint chocolate chip hot fudge sundae from the ice cream shop on main street (while watching wishes)
2) A SWEET CREAM CHEESE PRETZEL. Specifically from the lunching pad in front of Space Mountain. Holy crap on a cracker are they delicious!
3) A pulled pork sammich from sunset at the studios.
4) Popcorn (natch)
So the next McFatty Monday post will probably be a grumpy one, because I will most likely gain 20 pounds. Every single one will be worth it. I will not be thinking about my sucky job or queer ovaries for a whole week.
Well, that last one is a lie. Disney always make my uterus ache. I will definitely not be thinking of my sucky job though. NOTHING on the is earth can make me miss work!
So on to the McFatty part of my post: Blair posted about recommitting, which was funny because I told you all 'bout my little slip last week, and how you would make fun of me if I quit now. On Saturday, Mr. Joe and I went to a graduation party for his aunt and it was the first time in . . . well, ever that people commented on how I looked skinny. So much so that I didn't believe them. either that, or I must have looked worse than I thought I was before because I am just not seeing "skinny" when I look in the mirror. I see "thinner than before", but not skinny. Sometimes, I think that maybe I'm not seeing what other people see when they look at me, but then I look at pictures taken of me, and I see a bigger girl than what I see in the mirror. I wish I could borrow someone else's eyes for just 5 minutes so I would know what to believe. I realize that I am my worst critic, but it's one thing to say that, and another to know it.
Anyway, this post is turning all negative and depressing and in 5 DAYS I WILL BE IN SWEET CREAM CHEESE PRETZEL HEAVEN!!
I will also have 5 more days of P90X behind me, and will feel that much better about myself every day I complete. I don't have any pictures to post yet, but I will get Mr. Joe to take one before we leave and I'll throw it up here sometime this week. I hope everyone had a successful week!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Thanks, Internets

I cannot tell you how welcome this Friday is! This week was hard for me for some reason. I lost my mojo for a little bit.
Yesterday, I thought about just giving up on P90X altogether. Remember I said I was going to start over? I was super close to just staying on the couch with a little (HA. Little! As if I would eat anything little!) bowl of peanut butter melted in the microwave with chocolate chips, crying over So You Think You Can Dance and being generally depressed about the state of my ovaries and sucky job. Really, really close.
But then?
The voice in my head was all like, "If you don't finish P90X, the Internet will know you are a quitter! The millions of readers you have will stop reading and write posts about what a loser you are on their blogs! Then, you will be fat with no blog friends!" My inner fat girl was begging me to heat up another bowl of PB&CC, but after being threatened with no blog friends and global humiliation, I decided to just go downstairs and do the damn workout.
I'm glad I did. I felt rejuvenated after. Like this last week of "woe is me" never happened (Is that how you say it? Woe is me? Sounds stupid.). I am picking back up where I left off and finishing my 90 days. So thank you internets, for the pressure you put on me to work out like a mad woman on a daily basis.
In other exciting news, one of the jobs I applied for called to set up a phone interview! The idea of a possible escape from the evil call center I work in now was invigorating! I was in a state of euphoria for the rest of the night! I'm really hoping this turns out to be a career changer for me, but if not, I have put my resume out for approximately 5 million jobs. Hopefully something else will stick if this is not THE ONE.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

McFatty Fail

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, I sorta fell off the wagon this weekend and was still hungover. This week was hard for me for some reason. Monday through Wednesday was my P90X recovery week, which means I didn't really work out that much - just walking Harry and running errands. Thursday I started phase 3, but then Friday I had to work both jobs and didn't get home from the movies until 12. I was not about to work out for an hour at 12. I still got a good workout in at the movies, because I was an usher and we have stadium seating, so my ass was up and down those stairs all night long. AND I wore a sports bra, so we can kinda count that right?
Saturday was okay, it was chest and back day, so there were allot of push ups - but I was doing them!! AND I would start on my toes (and then promptly go to my knees lol)! Then came Saturday night. Oh Saturday night. We went out for Mr. Joe's friend's birthday in the city.

Let me just pause to say this: I love Mr. Joe's friends. From the moment we met, they have accepted me as though I had been friends with them for years. Their girlfriends and wives have also fit seamlessly into my life. I feel very lucky to get along with those girls, because its rare for me to have close girlfriends. I really only have two friends from high school, and those two are like my sisters. So, to find such great friends in the girlfriends of my husband's friends is super lucky.

Except for Saturday night. My "friends" decided that I don't ever have enough fun and that I needed to let loose that night, and so I did. So much so that I apparently made plans to go on a little casino trip with everyone and I had no recollection of it until Mr. Joe was talking about it yesterday. As in, I planned an entire trip without consulting myself. I also drunk texted James' poor cousin (who was probably very tired and did not need to know that I wanted to be "bffs with her" at that very moment) and all of my siblings. I then proclaimed my belief in Jesus to Mr. Joe and that I want to take the clomid next cycle. It was a very busy night for drunk Mrs. Joe.
Hence, there was no P90Xing on Sunday. Or yesterday. I was still recovering. Today is a new day though, and I think I'm just going to start the week over next week, pretending that this week never happened. I didn't gain anything though, so that's good.
Blair had a nice question about summer vegetables, but sadly I don't have any recipes to share. My meals lately consist of Lean Cuisines and tuna fish. Would anyone like to come to my house and be my personal chef? I could be like Oprah, without the millions of dollars. You could come over and cook for me and we could hang out and then the next time I get drunk I can bother you at all hours of the night!!
Any takers?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Better Now


I googled "the hills are alive . . ." chose "images" and this is what I found. Naturally, I found Julie Andrews' picture as well. This one just spoke to me more I guess :-).
Thank you all for your encouragement after I posted my temper tantrum. Your support, as always, means a great deal to me. I am better now.
For the most part, my change of mood came from a visit I had with Mr. Joe's cousin's grandmother last night. She has a very unique gift and also drops f-bombs. All of the things you would expect from a sweet Irish grandmother. She has given me so much hope that it has completely turned my funky mood around. Today, I received FANTASTIC, amazing news that has just solidified the faith that I have after last night's visit. Great, great things are happening.
In addition to her grandmother, Mr. Joe's cousin also let me borrow a book that she just finished reading - A Few Good Eggs by Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan. I'm only page 6 of the book (these pesky callers keep interrupting me, making me do work) but so far it is seems to be speaking directly to me (because, of course EVERYTHING is about me. MEMEMEMEMEME.).
You should read it. Or you should continue to stay tuned, because I am sure that I will be sharing my reactions to this book as I read it. Assuming these annoying people stop calling about their piddly annuities and let me read two sentences for Pete's sake!
The cherry on this good mood sundae would be if a marvelous new job offer fell in my lap and I could yell, "Suck it, Trebeck!!" into my headset. I'm crossing my fingers!!
And also, I ovulated on Monday, according to fertility frenemy, and we definitely did it that night. So I'm crossing my toes too, which also look like fingers.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I'm not fine

Most every call I take in this call center starts off the same:

"Hi this is {someone annoying}, I'm calling because {something unimportant}, how are you?"

Lately, it is taking everything in my being not scream "I'M REALLY FREAKING UNHAPPY, THANKS FOR ASKING!"

Today is not a good day friends.

First, I was late to work. Because of traffic. Traffic in which I had plenty of time to ponder the meaning of my life, and how I feel like I am going nowhere. Time to ponder the meaning of my dreams, including the most recent one where I was watching ultrasounds until I woke up. It occurred to me on my way into work today that the crazy coworker is having her big ultrasound today. That's how crazy I am. I subconsciously think about other people's big ultrasounds. Ultimately, my drive to work ended in tears. I really loathe my job and I'm tired of feeling as though I add no value to society whatsoever. Sadly, Mr. Joe and I rely heavily on my income, so I cannot leave without the promise of equal or greater pay. So, into the office I went, drying my tears and silently willing myself to SUCK IT UP.

Then, naturally, I was yelled at by clients all day. No one is happy with their retirement funds. Its inevitable that you will one day call in and yell at someone about your retirement account. When you do, think of me and be kind. All the while, I answered the H.A.Y. question with, "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine." I am not fine. I am hanging on by a thread here.
My teammates talk about how crazy coworker said she would be out of work for the rest of the week if she finds out she's having a boy, because she would be so upset. Of course, she texts us later to announce, "It's a girl!" Snip! went the thread I was hanging on. Of course. Of course this girl gets everything she wants.

I realize I am fortunate to have a job, which has provided me with infertility treatments, if I was not in denial of my obvious lack of baby making skills. I am fortunate to be married to Mr. Joe, who loves him some psychopath and puts up with my whining and bitching.

I don't want to be this bitter, nasty frostybox. I don't want to ache and yearn for something that comes seemingly easy to everyone but me. I wish I could wake up and be happy with my lot in life. Believe me, I am trying to find a job in which I am allowed to choose what time I go to lunch or when I can get up to pee. I've been looking, I promise. I know that I will not be here in this place in my life forever. For this day and this moment though, I am and it sucks.