I am going to Dethrone the Burger King

That cocky bastard has messed with the wrong fat kid.

If there is one thing on this earth that makes me want to hurl, it is orange cheese. Especially orange American cheese. Just typing the words makes my mouth all spitty.

I have been insatiably hungry today for some reason. I was not really satisfied with my breakfast this morning, and was really looking forward to lunch. For some strange reason, I wanted a whopper jr. This was no mere craving friends. It was a deep, definite, NEED for a whopper jr. - no lettuce, no pickles.

I ask you: Does that seem terribly difficult to deliver?

Apparently, because some total ASSHOLE decided to spoil my delicious whopper jr. by tainting it with their NASTY orange cheese. Sadly, I was unaware my whopper was tainted until I sat down at my desk and opened the wrapper. The RAGE bubbled up inside me like hot melty orange cheese hatred.

I realize this may not seem like a huge deal to you, but to me, orange cheese is MADDENING. There's not even a good reason for it to be orange! They COLOR it that way. Just gross.

Needless to say, being on Clomid has really made me an angry person. I seriously contemplated walking off the job and marching down to BK to smoosh someone's face in the disgusting atrocity they tried to pass off as a burger. Instead, I let my coworker eat it.

Maybe I'm in a mood because today would have been my last day here if this place didn't make it it's job to suck the life out of me. Maybe it's because today is the crazy preggo's last day before maternity leave. Maybe it's because I feel decidedly NOT knocked up.

Regardless of the reason, The BK should watch his back. That asshole is going down.

CD? ?DPO . . . An Open Letter to Friends and Acquaintances

Dear Everyone I Know:

Please stop getting knocked up until I have successfully been knocked up first. I want to be happy and excited for you, but I am a cold hearted bitch and cannot fight my jealous feelings when I see your announcements. The resulting inner conflict leaves me barfy and sad at my general bitter state. I could try to stay off of facebook, but then I would become bored at work and coloring only entertains me for so long. To be frank, everything is about me, me, me, so stop being so selfish already and focus more on me. Love, Mrs. Joe

I don't know where I am in this cycle. Literally and figuratively.

Naturally, I did just what I said I wasn't going to do on Friday and I took a test when I got home from work. Of course, it was negative and of course, I threw a tantrum. I tried my best to get it together for the football game, and for the most part I succeeded. Given the results, I'm going to guess that I did not ovulate on CD15 and instead did a few days later and this is actually 9 or 10 DPO, which could still be too early for a BFP. I'm still holding out for it.

I hate feeling like a total bitch every time I see an announcement on fb or at work or some other place. The latest announcement is from a good friend from high school, and she wasn't flashy or obnoxious about it either. In fact, I had to stalk her page a little to confirm it. I wanted to be happy for her. For a moment, I was. Then, envy started creeping in and no matter how I tried to squash it, the feeling sorta took over. How is it possible that I can recognize the jealousy taking over, but I can't stop it??? Most of that open letter is a joke, but the internal war I fight with myself really does make me sick. This is not the person I want to be.

Bummed

Clomid didn't work for us this month. I took a test this morning, and there was a little speck above the horizontal line that maybe could have been a vertical line, so I over analyzed for a little bit this morning, before I decided that at 14DPO, there would be a definite line if I was knocked up. And so I am not.
Maybe I wouldn't be as disappointed if I didn't give up certain things this month "just in case". Like P90X or drinking heavily or heroin. So now I am slightly fatter and sober instead of all glowy and preggo.
Thankfully, today's meal in the cafe is mac and cheese, so I am drowning my sorrows in melted cheese. We leave for vacation to Hilton Head in 3 days, so hopefully after that we can start fresh. Sorry to be boring and all debbie downer.

I'm not fine

Most every call I take in this call center starts off the same:

"Hi this is {someone annoying}, I'm calling because {something unimportant}, how are you?"

Lately, it is taking everything in my being not scream "I'M REALLY FREAKING UNHAPPY, THANKS FOR ASKING!"

Today is not a good day friends.

First, I was late to work. Because of traffic. Traffic in which I had plenty of time to ponder the meaning of my life, and how I feel like I am going nowhere. Time to ponder the meaning of my dreams, including the most recent one where I was watching ultrasounds until I woke up. It occurred to me on my way into work today that the crazy coworker is having her big ultrasound today. That's how crazy I am. I subconsciously think about other people's big ultrasounds. Ultimately, my drive to work ended in tears. I really loathe my job and I'm tired of feeling as though I add no value to society whatsoever. Sadly, Mr. Joe and I rely heavily on my income, so I cannot leave without the promise of equal or greater pay. So, into the office I went, drying my tears and silently willing myself to SUCK IT UP.

Then, naturally, I was yelled at by clients all day. No one is happy with their retirement funds. Its inevitable that you will one day call in and yell at someone about your retirement account. When you do, think of me and be kind. All the while, I answered the H.A.Y. question with, "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine." I am not fine. I am hanging on by a thread here.
My teammates talk about how crazy coworker said she would be out of work for the rest of the week if she finds out she's having a boy, because she would be so upset. Of course, she texts us later to announce, "It's a girl!" Snip! went the thread I was hanging on. Of course. Of course this girl gets everything she wants.

I realize I am fortunate to have a job, which has provided me with infertility treatments, if I was not in denial of my obvious lack of baby making skills. I am fortunate to be married to Mr. Joe, who loves him some psychopath and puts up with my whining and bitching.

I don't want to be this bitter, nasty frostybox. I don't want to ache and yearn for something that comes seemingly easy to everyone but me. I wish I could wake up and be happy with my lot in life. Believe me, I am trying to find a job in which I am allowed to choose what time I go to lunch or when I can get up to pee. I've been looking, I promise. I know that I will not be here in this place in my life forever. For this day and this moment though, I am and it sucks.

Overheard at work today . . .

Thank goodness it is 4:13 and I leave in 15 minutes . . .
Did I tell you about the preggos on my team at work? EVERYONE here is knocked up - except yours truly, of course - and it seems as though everyone knows that I am baby crazy. One of the girls here is nuts (actually nutso, just got out of the nut house) and was talking about how she doesn't want a boy. Do you know what she will do if she has a boy? She will "just give it to me." As in she ACTUALLY SAID: "I'll just give it to Jenny." (Oh hey thats my name I don't care anymore - thats how mad I am grrrrrr)

HILARIOUS.

McFatty Monday

Happy Monday! (and if it really is a happy Monday for you, feel free to bypass this post because I am whiny and grumpy and complainy)

No real changes in my weight to report, so yay. I ate horribly last week because I'm stressed out. I started taking the birth control, even though I really don't want to. It seems counterproductive to my cause. So, I'm frustrated. Also: I HATE MY JOB. I really don't want to be a phone slave anymore. I hate this job more and more each day. I am a talented, intelligent individual. I have a BS degree in executive business management, which I earned on my own, while working full time and busting my ass, yet the most I do all day is tell people what their piddly 403b account balances are and argue about why they can't take their money out (here's a hint, because it's meant for retirement you turd!). TWO PEOPLE have had nervous breakdowns. Actual, legitimate nervous breakdowns. This is also a source of frustration. Do you ever feel like you are supposed to be doing something more with your life? I'm not sure exactly what is it I was created to do, but it sure as shit isn't this.

I hate my attitude lately. I wish I could stop feeling like I'm entitled to have a baby and an awesome job. I wish I could stop focusing on what I don't have. It's been very difficult for me to not be envious of other people. What's funny is that I recognize how I'm acting and feeling, but I can't change it. No matter how much I hate feeling that way, I can't stop myself from feeling like I should be more successful, thinner, fertile, happier - you name it. I want to be happy with what I have. I want to enjoy this time in my life - and for the most part, I do. I love my husband (when I get to see him). SEE WHAT I DID RIGHT THERE? MUST. STOP. COMPLAINING.
Any advice to not feeling so crappy? Anyone looking to hire a snarky, smart lady to do anything other than pick up the phone?

Everyone go congratulate Blair on her fantastic job so far! She's feeling so confident that she's thinking of rocking a bikini this summer. The rest of you also look awesome and are waaaaaaay more positive than me today. I think it goes without saying that I am totally jelly of you. And I hate it.

The same page - and the one with a bible quote

Mr. Joe and I had a long talk last night and we are finally on the same page. These talks tend to happen when we're on the drive home from his mother's house. The majority of his family lives about an hour away, and since Mr. Joe has no where to go we're together, we usually end up discussing important matters. Or arguing about whether he pronounces certain words correctly. One time, we fought the entire way about whether on not the phrase "play it by ear" was really "play it by year". His example for arguing the latter was:
Mrs. Joe: "Mr. Joe, can we go to Disney World for the millionth time this summer?"
Mr. Joe: " I don't know, let's play it by year."
I know that makes no sense, hence the argument. But I digress.

The discussion started when we heard a commercial for a urologist on the radio (I wish I could find it online and play it for you here, it was probably the dumbest advertisement I have ever heard in my entire life. It involved a crazy urologist giving vasectomies to a basketball player and a cheerleader during a basketball game, and the cheerleader ends up being a transvestite - hence the vasectomy - and it's "so quick and painless" that the basketball player didn't notice it. Really, really dumb). Mr. Joe was wondering how a guy finds his way into that area of medicine because he "couldn't imagine staring at wieners all day". Yes, he actually said 'wieners'. We are so mature. While we were both laughing about this weirdo urologist guy, I quietly slipped in that Dr. Foreign Accent wants him to see one. <>

He was pretty somber when he said, "ABSOLUTELY NOT".

It's not that he isn't supportive, or as anxious to have children, in fact as soon as the words left his lips, he was apologizing for sounding so caustic. He's just not as willing as I am to have people all up in his business. I completely understand that. We did an SA once, and that's as far as he is willing to go at this point in the game. We already confirmed that the only thing off on his SA was the motility, and even then it wasn't that low. The problem is definitely me at this point. From this, we have decided upon a TTC Action Plan:

Step one - I will have the hysteroscopy and hopefully live through it (I will have to post all of the various disaster scenarios that I have come up with in my head)
Step two - Find a way to regulate my cycles with medication so we can pinpoint when I ovulate
Step three - do the deed at those times

If after several cycles of this not succeeding, we will reevaluate where we are and if we are ready to try a more invasive route. It doesn't look like much, but it feels really good to have a set plan in place for the next couple of months. I think we both felt like TTC was getting away from us, like a crazy runaway train. I think we're more in control of the train now and I can already feel less tension between us.

Basically, what this boils down to for us is patience and faith. I have faith that we will have children. We all know the bible verses that promise us prosperity and purpose (specifically, Jeremiah 29:11 where those same words are basically used). I believe that. The patience part is not really as easy to come by. This is just going to be a really hard lesson in patience I think. I know at the end, all of this indecision and uncertainty is going to make it all worth it, but I really, really, really want to get to the "worth it" part already! How do you wait for something to happen when you don't know when (or how, but I'm not focusing on that) it's happening?

Way back in the beginning of my obsession with babies and blogging, I found a blog of a waiting adoptive mom (who has since had a successful open adoption with her son AND birthed a "surprise" baby boy). The majority of blogs I found had all of the "standard" waiting mother bible verses and other various quotes, but this woman had a verse I had never heard before:

Habakkuk 2:3
"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!"

My first thought was, "What the heck is a Habakkuk?" I still need to google that one. Now, I read this passage everyday. I repeat it to myself as I listen to the trolls who call in and complain to me at work. I know it by heart. It was no accident that I stumbled upon these words and the blogs that I read. All of this is comforting to me because I know that eventually, the patience I'm supposed to learn will come.

I just wish it would come right now.

Oh hey, it's me again . . .

I need to get this out so I can fall asleep tonight. This is going to be all over the place:
I am terrified of having surgery. I have never had any kind of surgery before, not even for my wisdom teeth (but that is coming soon after) and I am SUPER NERVOUS. I can only imagine the awkward joking that will take place the day of. What I am most freaked out about is that something will go wrong and I will be permanently, irreversibly infertile. What if that is the reason that I have found my way to all of the adoption blogs I read? Will this be God's way of showing me that I am not meant to get pregnant? I don't know what I would do if I couldn't have a baby "the old fashioned way". I don't think I have the patience or the sanity left to try another way. Of course, I could be overreacting and everything will be fine.
Say that everything IS fine. Dr. Foreign Accent thinks that after the hysteroscopy on the 1st, the next thing to do is an IUI. Why can't we try with clomid first? I'm pretty sure that Mr. Joe is not too keen on providing another sample. I confirmed with the RE that the only thing "off" about the SA we had done was the motility. Nothing else, and even that was just a little low. It was definitely not as bad as Dr. H made it out to be. I feel like if I was to tell Dr. Foreign Accent that we wanted to try Clomid first, that he would question how badly we want this. TRUST ME FRIENDS: WE WANT THIS. I want to be on the same page with Mr. Joe, and I know that he really doesn't want to give a "sample" at their office. He's pretty much the exact opposite of me, really shy and quiet and not comfortable having to do things like that. Not that I'm pleased as punch to get in the stirrups, but it's easier for me to do it than it is for him. I worry that if we were to share that with the RE, that they wouldn't take us seriously. I hate feeling like that. I hate watching Mr. Joe's degenerate cousins have babies without having to consult anyone, and then feeling like I have to be granted permission to have a child because it won't happen "by mistake". I think this may also be why I am worried about having to have a family through adoption. Talk about granting permission. You ACTUALLY have to be granted permission, and pay lots of money, and be picked by someone. I know how that game goes. I took gym class. I was always picked last.
AND NOW A CONFESSION: I am still hoping that things will happen "naturally" and I think I am going to hold off on the bcp for a week or so. Maybe I will O on day 14. Today is day 11 and I think I might try for it still, since the heart shape isn't as severe as they thought (I know there is an actual medical term for what I have, but I can't think of it right now). It can't hurt right? I just want one chance. JUST ONE.
I'm sorry for this post. If you've read this far thanks for listening. I feel a little better now and I think I can sleep.

I'll have you know . . .

I am juuuuuuuuuust about fed up with this job. Do you think if I quit it will increase my chances of get KU?? It would be just my luck that I would tell my boss to shove it and then finally see 2 lines. The only thing keeping me here is the fact that we are waiting for Mr. Joe's promotion. That is the only reason I keep my big mouth shut. Just know that I don't care about your stupid annuity or why you think my company sucks. I ESPECIALLY DON'T CARE THAT YOU HAD A BABY AND NOW YOU DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK. THERE IS NO SYMPATHY HERE FOR YOU, LADY. Here are some other things to keep in mind:

-I am not heartless because the IRS won't let you take your money out.
-I cannot speak any louder without shouting, you should turn up your hearing aid.
-Please do not ask my name and then repeatedly call me by a man's name.
-I'm sorry the woman that sits in the cube behind me sounds like a bitch. I am being nice to you, so you should just ignore her like I do.
-I do not have the winning lottery numbers. I am forced to ask you if there is anything else I can assist you with. I don't really care if there is anything else you need.
UUUGGGGGHHHH. I hate my job today. My talents are wasting away here. Thanks for listening.

Life is one big stage, after all

Ironically, the year I am married is the worst year of my life thus far. It started off with our money being stolen out of our account when Mr. Joe decided to apply for a "job" that would require a deposit of "about nineteen twenty", which is understood as 19.20, but in actuality was 1920.00. Needless to say, for a young couple saving for a wedding, nineteen twenty was a pretty big blow, especially when it was taken twice. Did I mention this almost caused us to lose our photographer? Definitely not a fun time in our life. It took months to get our money back, but we finally were able to. That came just in time for my car to get broken into at work and EVERYTHING to be stolen out of it. EVERYTHING, including both of our passports, my identification, credit cards, access to our just recovered wedding account, and these delicious pastry twists that I had just bought. Ridiculous. I was also battling an intensely personal situation that even under the anonymity of the Soap Scum Avenger I refuse to go into detail on. Just know that it was intense and caused me great pain and sacrifice. Times this year were tough. Add to that the wedding planning and the DRAMA that came out of merging three families into one happy party, and you can imagine how hard it would be to maintain sanity. Throughout all of this, I remained calm and continued to remind myself that life is difficult and I should try to be positive because as each awful moment occurred, I was CERTAIN that it was the last.
Now I am beginning to think I am cursed.
My brother is dying and there is nothing I can do to stop it.