Friday, April 30, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I was this close to thinking maybe it was all in my head and that I had miraculously ovulated on my own. Denial is not just a river in Egypt my friends.
I thought about joining in on the project that Mrs. S addressed in her post. I read through the questions that were posted and thought about how I would answer them. Then I became all weepy and whiny at my desk and decided against joining in this go around. I know that this week will come around again. Maybe the next time it does, I will be on the other side and will have the words to offer strength or comfort to someone still stuck on this side of "what if". For now, I just don't know what to say. I'm still trying to process exactly where we are on the "infertility scale". Will we need more than a few rounds of Clomid? Will we need marriage counseling as a result of the stress of TTC? Will I ever be satisfied with what we have? Will I be able to keep my composure as the crazy girl I work with complains about being knocked up by her loser baby daddy? I don't have the answers and I HATE it. In an effort to not annoy the pants off of the people that read about my life, I try not to piss and moan too much about it, but it's there - always right under the surface of every sarcastic comment I make :-)
The journey so far has not been fruitless. I've learned alot, and met many "wannabes" in the same spot we are. I've been more sensitive with my words, because I know how much a harmless comment can cut to the core. I've formed close bonds with people I would have not known as well otherwise.
Many of my teenage years were spent looking for a group to belong to - a place where I fit in. While I wish that we belonged to a group that dealt with happier things, part of me is grateful for the opportunity to bond with any group. It's like I'm finally super cool! And I have cool friends! (not counting you Ronnie, you were always cooler than me anyway)
This is kind of rambling and not going anywhere. I guess the bottom line is that IF sucks, mostly because of the uncertainty of it all, but the little community I've found here is pretty awesome. Please know that if you need someone to listen, I can always be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org, and I'm a pretty good listener - since I get paid to do it all day long :-)
Monday, April 26, 2010
I am on day 11 of the P90X and I think it's going really well. It's actually a fun workout. Don't get me wrong - it's really hard! - but the variety of moves that they do and the really cheesy things that Tony Horton says makes the hour go by like nothing at all. It's only been 11 days, but I feel like I'm changing. I hope it's not all in my head. Mr. Joe's been keeping up with it too and so I think by the time we go to Florida we will be one HOTT (with two Ts!) couple. The toughest workouts to do are Yoga X and Legs & Back.
Yoga X was yesterday and reminded me of the time that I went out and partied one Friday night, and then the next morning I decided to go to Pilate's with my bestie Ronnie. About half way through the workout, while we were in some ridiculous pose where we bend over and look up, I hissed over to Ronnie "I think I'm still drunk!" and promptly fell over. Yesterday was much of the same, except this time I was sober. I never thought people could get so sweaty and out of breath by just bending! By the time I was done I was really gross looking.
Today is Legs & Back, and the 2nd hardest workout I have to do. The way I see it, when you work out your arms, it's not as bad because you can still get up and do things when you finish. Your arms are sore, but you can function without them (mostly). When you work your legs, it's really hard to move after. Especially if you have to walk up a long flight of stairs out of the basement where your "home gym" is. This workout has alot of pull ups in it too. I cannot do a pull up to save my life. Literally, if someone were holding a gun to my head demanding I do a pull up or be shot, I would be toast. You're allowed to use a chair to rest your legs on if you can't do it on your own, but pull ups are always done right after you bust your rear end working your legs so they're not much help. The majority of the time, I end up laughing at myself and have to pause the dvd. Laughter burns calories though, so I guess that's okay.
I didn't weigh myself this morning because I was getting a little upset with the numbers because they weren't really moving. Rather than start out my Monday in a bad mood (that would undoubtedly be added to today at work), I just decided to forgo it. My pants fit and I don't feel as hammy so that's good enough for me. I think I'll wait until next Monday to weigh in - I know you're all excited so stay tuned!!!
Friday, April 23, 2010
At my pre-op appointment for the hysteroscopy, Dr. Foreign Accent asked us when we wanted to start in on IUI. He was all ready to get this show on the road.
We were not.
It's not that we aren't ready to be pregnant and have children - we're more than ready, it's something Mr. Joe and I have been discussing alot lately.
I think the problem is that are not ready to admit defeat. Right now, I have all these theories about how fixing my heart shaped box (making my ute triangle and normal shaped) is going to improve our chances of naturally conceiving, despite the fact that Dr. Foreign Accent says that one has nothing to do with the other. I am still convinced that this can happen without having to involve a third party, even though I invited that third party in the first place. That maybe now that I'll have a lining all the way around my ute that it will magically rebalance my hormones and I'll have normal cycles again.
Dr. FA was pretty surprised when we told him we just wanted to try Clomid for now. In fact, he flat out said he didn't think it would work, but he wrote out an Rx anyway and handed it to me, saying "Good luck . . ." in his thick Argentinian accent.
I filled it the next day, and have been staring at the bottle for weeks. I can't bring myself to take it. Why? I don't know. I think if I take it and it doesn't work, then I will have to admit that there is no magical fix. That there is something wrong with me. With Mr. Joe. With us.
Instead, I have been charting. I'm on CD20, 4DPO according to Fertility Frenemy, but who knows if this will work this time. Maybe, maybe not.
I find myself falling into the same tired excuses - maybe it's not our time, maybe it's because we were too early or too late in getting it on, maybe I DO need to relax! Maybe it's because we don't have mood lighting and candles in our bedroom! Maybe we need to do it upside down!
All of this makes me depressed. Sad that one more thing is not going my way. Then the sadness brings on memories of my brother, and the fact that I hate my job, and Mr. Joe has been busting his ass at his job and isn't getting the recognition he deserves, and that yet ANOTHER person on my team at work is knocked up, bringing it to a grand total of 3 people I know getting KU in a month's time. Then I become envious and bitter and I turn into someone I don't like. I used to be happy(ish) with what I had. I hate where we live, but I was happy with owning a home. My dog was my baby. I was content. Now, I turn into a bitter frostybox beeotch at work because everyone has babies on the brain. I get aggrivated when I see Facebook status about bringing awareness to cancer (BTW, WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT CANCER, OR KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS IT, OR LOST SOMEONE TO IT? HOW IS POSTING THAT ON YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE GOING TO HELP?? see? complete frostybox). I sob on the way home from work because life is so unfair that crazy people can have babies and assholes survive cancer and people that are awful and mean get ahead and POOR MRS. JOE wah wah wah. I make myself sick over the person I become when I let it take over.
So I avoid the topic altogether. I focus on McFatty Mondays. Most of the people I comment on are mommy bloggers, which can sometimes be hard, but I like them. I feel better when they encourage me on MM. I pretend to not be thinking about TTC constantly - but it's there, right on my sleeve.
So, in case you've been wondering, that's why I haven't mentioned it.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Can you see why this disturbs me? Who is that random old lady in the neon green shorts, and how does her body qualify as a 'beach body"? Maybe she's only on day 7 too.
Monday, April 19, 2010
So, last Tuesday I said that I was going to post a picture of my haminess so I would be motivated to stick with my plan. . . so since some of you (and Blair) have done it, here's mine:
Please pay no mind to the garbage behind me, the room we keep our mirror in is the guest/onedaynursery/putallofmybrother'sstuffinthere room and it's a disaster right now. I don't like how I look anymore. The other day, some high school friends posted old pictures on facebook from when we were all younger. Look how skinny I was then:
Don't you love my bangs? They started at the middle of my head. This was right after my bestie advised me that I needed to grow them out or I would never have a boyfriend ever. She changed my life with this advice.
Couch to 5k is going . . . ok. I need new running shoes because I feel like I am running barefoot. I also started P90X on Wednesday. Mr. Joe ordered it because his brother and cousins all did it and said it was awesome. So far, I have been pretty challenged by it. By challenged, I mean I wake up in the morning feeling like (p diddy?) I was hit by a truck and that I might have internal bleeding, but I'm taking that as a good sign. I like it better than the 30 day shred, because the trainer (Tony Horton) is not mean like Jillian. He's actually pretty cheesey, and I love cheese! There's like 12 workouts (I don't the actual number, but its more than 3) so I won't get bored and Mr. Joe is also doing it so we can motivate eachother. I also decided that I wasn't going to eat ice cream until our trip to Disney in June. I really wanted it on Saturday because it was such a crappy day and I could have used the pick me up, but I stayed strong because I imagined how good I will look in June if I could just make it until then. I'd like to say that that alone worked, but really it was because I was too sore to move off of the couch to go out and get it. Another bonus of P90X! The only down side of the video is on a few of them there's this blonde chick that I want to punch in the face. Other than that, I pretty confident I can stick with it for 90 days. I'm not sure if I will look like a model at the end of those 90 days, but at least I'm moving around after all of the weeks of looking for something to do!
Hope everyone has a great week!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Not much to report, Blair looks awesome, and has an adorable baby to exercise with, where as I . . . look blah and have no cute baby to use as free weight. I have a cat, but she is not as um, cooperative as a baby. That's ok though, the baby and looking awesome will come.
But they will not come unless I get off my fat hammy ass and DO SOMETHING ALREADY!! I've been doing little things here and there, but nothing consistent. So when my skinny and fertile friend Melissa face booked me about running in a 5k at an amusement park near my house, I decided to bite the bullet and just say yes. Yes, I, Tubby Mc FatArms will be running in a 5k in May. Immediately after agreeing, I felt barfy over it, but the run is for a guy with cancer or something, and you can't say no to cancer! So I have approximately a month and a half to be ready for this thing. I am going to start my training today after work with the Couch to 5k workout. Wish me luck. Tomorrow, I will post a picture to hopefully motivate me to stick with it. Anyone else use this workout?
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Did I tell you about the preggos on my team at work? EVERYONE here is knocked up - except yours truly, of course - and it seems as though everyone knows that I am baby crazy. One of the girls here is nuts (actually nutso, just got out of the nut house) and was talking about how she doesn't want a boy. Do you know what she will do if she has a boy? She will "just give it to me." As in she ACTUALLY SAID: "I'll just give it to Jenny." (Oh hey thats my name I don't care anymore - thats how mad I am grrrrrr)
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
The actual procedure itself only took 15 minutes, and I was there for a little over 90 minutes total. They put everything up my lady parts so I have no outside wounds and virtually no pain. I bled alot more than I expected to, but that seems to have gone away today. For the most part, I think the HSG was a million times worse. The day was pretty uneventful, except for the little panic attack I had at the end of the night when I was convinced I was going to die from a pulmonary embolism because an air bubble went through my IV line. Naturally, I was just being a drama queen and I lived through the night LOL.
We let Dr. Foreign accent know that we wanted to try just Clomid for the next three months before moving on to IUI. Not that we're opposed to go the distance - we'll do IVF if we don't conceive any of the other ways, but we just don't want to get on that roller coaster yet. Dr. Foreign accent seemed reluctant that it would work, but I felt such a peace over the decision that we made that I don't care if he thinks its dumb idea. . . even if he DOES have a degree from El Universidad de Buenos Aires. What does he know anyway?
Hope everyone has a great weekend - we are having BEAUTIFUL weather so I'll be outside working on my nasty garden I think!