Not this time either.

I knew that I would regret letting myself go crazy with the baby stuff.
I woke up yesterday morning, needing an answer after dreaming of rocking babies to sleep all night. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that was confirmed by the test. Negative. Again.

At first, I felt ok. I steeled myself, looked at my face in the mirror, and tried to convince myself that I knew it all along. But as the hot water washed over me and I started to cry, I knew I hadn't fooled anyone. Least of all myself. This time felt like it for us. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TIME!!!! We had another high school football game to attend that afternoon, so after sharing the news with Mr. Joe, I got it together and off we went. The team lost horribly and just added to my mood.

For the rest of the day, I was pretty much a weepy, lame, mess. At one point I decided that I wanted ice cream from Friendly's down the road, so I left Mr. Joe home with one of his friends (the coach of the losing team) and drove off. Have I ever told you that I'm a car cryer? Well, I am. The minute I get in the car alone, if there is even something remotely upsetting to me, I will cry as I drive around like a total tool. Naturally, this day was no exception. I ended up taking 20 minutes to get my act together so I could order my ice cream, but I must not have done very well because the girl behind the counter (who I had previously fought with over what making a sundae with "extra" of something consists of) asked me if I wanted extra sprinkles or extra cherries. Then as she handed me my order she looked me square in the eye and told me she hoped my night would be better. I hadn't tricked anybody that I was normal.

It was at this point that I wished that I could invite all my bloggy friends to a pity party for me -with party hats and everything! Sadly, I didn't know any of your numbers so you all missed out. Bet you're sorry. Thankfully, I had one infertile to talk me down before I completely lost my mind. Mr. Joe's cousin is truly a godsend. I am so thankful for her. After our conversation, I decided that I needed to dust myself off and get back on the proverbial horse. I am working on letting go of the idea that any of this will be easy for us.

Today is CD1. We have two cycles of Clomid left. We're not giving up. If after these two cycles we're still babyless, then we will find a new RE and go from there. We're going to do everything we can think of to give us the best chance in these next two cycles. I just want to be sure that I've given it my all before we go down any new roads.

Thanks, friends for your encouragement over the last couple of weeks. I really appreciate your kind words and emails. It makes it a million times easier to do this knowing that we are not the only ones to face this. I wish I could invite you all over for dinner, but I can't cook. Unless you count rice and macaroni. If you're okay with that, then come on over.

Sorry this is so long. If you saw how long this post was and scrolled down to the bottom, here is a summary: I'm not pregnant, I cried a lot yesterday when I found out, I was huge baby about it for a day, now we're moving on to the next cycle. The end.

CD? ?DPO . . . An Open Letter to Friends and Acquaintances

Dear Everyone I Know:

Please stop getting knocked up until I have successfully been knocked up first. I want to be happy and excited for you, but I am a cold hearted bitch and cannot fight my jealous feelings when I see your announcements. The resulting inner conflict leaves me barfy and sad at my general bitter state. I could try to stay off of facebook, but then I would become bored at work and coloring only entertains me for so long. To be frank, everything is about me, me, me, so stop being so selfish already and focus more on me. Love, Mrs. Joe

I don't know where I am in this cycle. Literally and figuratively.

Naturally, I did just what I said I wasn't going to do on Friday and I took a test when I got home from work. Of course, it was negative and of course, I threw a tantrum. I tried my best to get it together for the football game, and for the most part I succeeded. Given the results, I'm going to guess that I did not ovulate on CD15 and instead did a few days later and this is actually 9 or 10 DPO, which could still be too early for a BFP. I'm still holding out for it.

I hate feeling like a total bitch every time I see an announcement on fb or at work or some other place. The latest announcement is from a good friend from high school, and she wasn't flashy or obnoxious about it either. In fact, I had to stalk her page a little to confirm it. I wanted to be happy for her. For a moment, I was. Then, envy started creeping in and no matter how I tried to squash it, the feeling sorta took over. How is it possible that I can recognize the jealousy taking over, but I can't stop it??? Most of that open letter is a joke, but the internal war I fight with myself really does make me sick. This is not the person I want to be.

2DPO

Today I'm starting to feel a little less hopeful. For fun, (read: because I am a loser) I decided to do some review of the steps it takes to conceive. I can't help but feel a little discouraged at how everything needs to be in the right place to be successful. How the hell do the Duggars do it?
On top of that I have the most hideous UTI of my life. I forced myself to drink cranberry juice to help with the symptoms and hopefully get rid of it all together. I decided this morning that cranberry juice tastes like vomit to me. This revelation caused actual vomit to come up a little.

Speaking of vomit, guess what the cat did just before I was about to leave for work? The force of barfing threw the cat backwards. Poor kitty. Poor Mrs. Joe.

Somebody call the waaaaaaaaaahmbulance.

Apparently I didn't cross them hard enough.

So the super awesome job I interviewed for is not mine. They decided to hire internally, to which I say, THANKS FOR WASTING MY TIME TURDS! I won't lie, I took the news pretty hard. I was at work and after I hung up the phone, I silently sobbed at my desk for a minute or two. Then I asked Chrissy (who I chat with on gmail) to help me list all of the reasons why I didn't want that job anyway. We came up with about 3:

1)It was further away than this stupid job is and Mr. Joe and I want to move closer to home
2)I could not chat on gmail with Chrissy at the new job like I can now
3)I would end up busting my ass at work and not getting paid OT because I would be exempt

Though listing the reasons helped a little, the rejection still stung like a hot-pavement knee scrape. That night for dinner, I kind of went overboard and had 3 chalupas and a soft taco, followed by an ice cream sundae. Oops.

Today, the search is back on for a new job - so if you have a spare moment, send whatever prayers / positive thoughts / good juju you can afford my way please. My hammy arms can't take much more rejection.

Mrs. Joe's Greatest Hits

So today. Oh Today, you started off pretty shitty. Nothing like a temp drop at 6:30 in the morning to make you feel defeated for the rest of the day. Kinda like POAS every morning. To bring you up to speed: I thought maybe by some miracle I ovulated right at the perfect time and Mr. Joe and maaaaaaaaybe created a baby Joe. Jury's still out for certain until AF comes, but she'll prolly be here soon, based on this morning's temp. Naturally, this caused a dramatic and weepy start to my day, where I cried (again) at my desk because WOE IS MRS. JOE.
And just to add some more dramatic flare, I put on one of my favorite sad songs to pepper my pain:


Then, Mrs. Rootbeer and my bestie Chrissy made me feel better. I was still listening to Hallelujah, but it was on repeat in the background while I took calls. I couldn't help but feel a little like I was on a reality show and that Hallelujah was the perfect song to enhance the drama that is my life. Then, I started to think about what the soundtrack of Mrs. Joe's Reality Show would include. I came up with a few songs:
The theme song would be:


It would definitely include, Soundgarden's "I knew I loved you" for my friend Ronnie, and "Movin' Right Along" from the Muppet Movie for Chrissy. I would throw in "Red Neck Woman" because even if I'm not a red neck, I am a touch trashy, so it would apply. "God Blessed the Broken Road" would make it, since it's my wedding song with Mr. Joe, but the song in his honor would be Denise William's "Let's Hear it for the Boy" because I always joke with him about that song. The last song on the soundtrack would be for baby Joe, because every time I hear it, I think about future child, and it brightens my day. Even if my temp drops to zero degrees:

How about you guys? What would be on your soundtrack? I would totally watch all of your reality shows. (Mrs. Rootbeer, remember our idea for the MTV show "20 Something and Barren"? Still a good idea!)

Thanks, Internets

I cannot tell you how welcome this Friday is! This week was hard for me for some reason. I lost my mojo for a little bit.
Yesterday, I thought about just giving up on P90X altogether. Remember I said I was going to start over? I was super close to just staying on the couch with a little (HA. Little! As if I would eat anything little!) bowl of peanut butter melted in the microwave with chocolate chips, crying over So You Think You Can Dance and being generally depressed about the state of my ovaries and sucky job. Really, really close.
But then?
The voice in my head was all like, "If you don't finish P90X, the Internet will know you are a quitter! The millions of readers you have will stop reading and write posts about what a loser you are on their blogs! Then, you will be fat with no blog friends!" My inner fat girl was begging me to heat up another bowl of PB&CC, but after being threatened with no blog friends and global humiliation, I decided to just go downstairs and do the damn workout.
I'm glad I did. I felt rejuvenated after. Like this last week of "woe is me" never happened (Is that how you say it? Woe is me? Sounds stupid.). I am picking back up where I left off and finishing my 90 days. So thank you internets, for the pressure you put on me to work out like a mad woman on a daily basis.
In other exciting news, one of the jobs I applied for called to set up a phone interview! The idea of a possible escape from the evil call center I work in now was invigorating! I was in a state of euphoria for the rest of the night! I'm really hoping this turns out to be a career changer for me, but if not, I have put my resume out for approximately 5 million jobs. Hopefully something else will stick if this is not THE ONE.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Mrs. Joe's List of Things That Make Her Pathetic

1) I am reading the Twilight series at work for the 7th(ish) time. Please don't think I'm crazy, its just such an easy, mindless read that it helps me pass the time at work. Similar to putting on a movie as background noise.

2) When I came to the part where Bella discovers she's pregnant, I took a moment to determine what cycle day she was on and when she should have ovulated.

3) I think I ovulated on the same cycle day as Bella, but Fertility Frenemy keeps giving me cross hairs and then taking them away the next day.

4) That I was 5 minutes late for work this morning because I stayed in my car to finish singing along to Defying Gravity.

5) The outfit I am wearing came from directly off my bedroom floor this morning. I don't know the last time it was washed. It smells ok.

6) I thought I had developed a new mole on my arm today. It looked a little strange and I was nervous that I maybe developed some melanoma overnight:

. . . then when I touched it, I realized it was chocolate.

7) I admitted all of these reasons to the interwebs.

McFatty Monday

Happy Monday! (and if it really is a happy Monday for you, feel free to bypass this post because I am whiny and grumpy and complainy)

No real changes in my weight to report, so yay. I ate horribly last week because I'm stressed out. I started taking the birth control, even though I really don't want to. It seems counterproductive to my cause. So, I'm frustrated. Also: I HATE MY JOB. I really don't want to be a phone slave anymore. I hate this job more and more each day. I am a talented, intelligent individual. I have a BS degree in executive business management, which I earned on my own, while working full time and busting my ass, yet the most I do all day is tell people what their piddly 403b account balances are and argue about why they can't take their money out (here's a hint, because it's meant for retirement you turd!). TWO PEOPLE have had nervous breakdowns. Actual, legitimate nervous breakdowns. This is also a source of frustration. Do you ever feel like you are supposed to be doing something more with your life? I'm not sure exactly what is it I was created to do, but it sure as shit isn't this.

I hate my attitude lately. I wish I could stop feeling like I'm entitled to have a baby and an awesome job. I wish I could stop focusing on what I don't have. It's been very difficult for me to not be envious of other people. What's funny is that I recognize how I'm acting and feeling, but I can't change it. No matter how much I hate feeling that way, I can't stop myself from feeling like I should be more successful, thinner, fertile, happier - you name it. I want to be happy with what I have. I want to enjoy this time in my life - and for the most part, I do. I love my husband (when I get to see him). SEE WHAT I DID RIGHT THERE? MUST. STOP. COMPLAINING.
Any advice to not feeling so crappy? Anyone looking to hire a snarky, smart lady to do anything other than pick up the phone?

Everyone go congratulate Blair on her fantastic job so far! She's feeling so confident that she's thinking of rocking a bikini this summer. The rest of you also look awesome and are waaaaaaay more positive than me today. I think it goes without saying that I am totally jelly of you. And I hate it.