Sunday, September 26, 2010

Not this time either.

I knew that I would regret letting myself go crazy with the baby stuff.
I woke up yesterday morning, needing an answer after dreaming of rocking babies to sleep all night. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that was confirmed by the test. Negative. Again.

At first, I felt ok. I steeled myself, looked at my face in the mirror, and tried to convince myself that I knew it all along. But as the hot water washed over me and I started to cry, I knew I hadn't fooled anyone. Least of all myself. This time felt like it for us. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TIME!!!! We had another high school football game to attend that afternoon, so after sharing the news with Mr. Joe, I got it together and off we went. The team lost horribly and just added to my mood.

For the rest of the day, I was pretty much a weepy, lame, mess. At one point I decided that I wanted ice cream from Friendly's down the road, so I left Mr. Joe home with one of his friends (the coach of the losing team) and drove off. Have I ever told you that I'm a car cryer? Well, I am. The minute I get in the car alone, if there is even something remotely upsetting to me, I will cry as I drive around like a total tool. Naturally, this day was no exception. I ended up taking 20 minutes to get my act together so I could order my ice cream, but I must not have done very well because the girl behind the counter (who I had previously fought with over what making a sundae with "extra" of something consists of) asked me if I wanted extra sprinkles or extra cherries. Then as she handed me my order she looked me square in the eye and told me she hoped my night would be better. I hadn't tricked anybody that I was normal.

It was at this point that I wished that I could invite all my bloggy friends to a pity party for me -with party hats and everything! Sadly, I didn't know any of your numbers so you all missed out. Bet you're sorry. Thankfully, I had one infertile to talk me down before I completely lost my mind. Mr. Joe's cousin is truly a godsend. I am so thankful for her. After our conversation, I decided that I needed to dust myself off and get back on the proverbial horse. I am working on letting go of the idea that any of this will be easy for us.

Today is CD1. We have two cycles of Clomid left. We're not giving up. If after these two cycles we're still babyless, then we will find a new RE and go from there. We're going to do everything we can think of to give us the best chance in these next two cycles. I just want to be sure that I've given it my all before we go down any new roads.

Thanks, friends for your encouragement over the last couple of weeks. I really appreciate your kind words and emails. It makes it a million times easier to do this knowing that we are not the only ones to face this. I wish I could invite you all over for dinner, but I can't cook. Unless you count rice and macaroni. If you're okay with that, then come on over.

Sorry this is so long. If you saw how long this post was and scrolled down to the bottom, here is a summary: I'm not pregnant, I cried a lot yesterday when I found out, I was huge baby about it for a day, now we're moving on to the next cycle. The end.


Emily said...

My heart hurts for you. Like you, I was convinced that this was my cycle.

Let's hope that THIS is the month.

Mrs. S said...

I'm sorry my dear! I was really hoping this was your month too. I know exactly what those days feel like... if you'd like to email me, I'd me happy to give you my cell number if you ever wanted to chat. Having days where it feels like no one understands are the worst.

I'm glad you pulled yourself up out of it and have such a positive outlook for the next cycle! I will continue to keep my fingers/eyes/arms/legs/toes/etc crossed for you!

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

Sorry I couldnt join your pity party. I would have been glad to. But, Im glad youre back to feeling hope and this next cycle work for you!!

If not, there is STILL hope. Remember that. :)

DomestiKatie. said...

I was also completely convinced that this was our cycle. I'm sorry that this is so hard for you as well, but as you commented on my blog, I know these feelings all too well. I hate that starting a family is so painful for so many of us. Shouldn't we be rewarded for our efforts?!
Looks like I'm about two days behind you, cycle-wise. Here's hoping this next one is ours!

aimerss said...

xoxoxoxox.. mucho love coming to you from my direction. <3