Frustration Friday

I thought I would come up with a new thingy (you know a thingy - like McFatty Monday but not as cool cause I'm the only one participating) for friday. It's call Frustration Friday, alternatively titled EFF You Friday:

Firstly - the dbag I was just speaking with at work wished me a happy mother's day. WHO DOES THAT? It was like a poke in the eye! I had to control the snark when I said "Oh you too! douchebag!"

And secondly, what the hell is up with Fertility Frenemy??? First, I had cross hairs on CD16. Then, they took them away because my temp is all over the place. Now, they think I maybe ovulated on CD30? So much for magically turning normal. The signs for ovulation were all there. I even had a positive OPK. Isn't a lack of whatever hormone causes a positive OPK the cause of PCOS? Why did my doctors never ask me to chart?

Also: WHO WISHES BARREN BETTY A HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY?????? I cannot wait to rush home (after working at the movies tonight) and do Core Synergistics with my P90X friends. I bet they would never take my cross hairs away. Any opinions on why my chart looks so screwy?

Wannabe

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and since I am pretending that there is nothing wrong, I had no idea. Until I read this post, and this one, and was mentioned in this one as a wannabe mommy blogger. It's ironic, that all of this NIAW business would come out today, because today's temp made Fertility Frenemy an indian giver and took away my cross hairs. Bitch.

I was this close to thinking maybe it was all in my head and that I had miraculously ovulated on my own. Denial is not just a river in Egypt my friends.

I thought about joining in on the project that Mrs. S addressed in her post. I read through the questions that were posted and thought about how I would answer them. Then I became all weepy and whiny at my desk and decided against joining in this go around. I know that this week will come around again. Maybe the next time it does, I will be on the other side and will have the words to offer strength or comfort to someone still stuck on this side of "what if". For now, I just don't know what to say. I'm still trying to process exactly where we are on the "infertility scale". Will we need more than a few rounds of Clomid? Will we need marriage counseling as a result of the stress of TTC? Will I ever be satisfied with what we have? Will I be able to keep my composure as the crazy girl I work with complains about being knocked up by her loser baby daddy? I don't have the answers and I HATE it. In an effort to not annoy the pants off of the people that read about my life, I try not to piss and moan too much about it, but it's there - always right under the surface of every sarcastic comment I make :-)
The journey so far has not been fruitless. I've learned alot, and met many "wannabes" in the same spot we are. I've been more sensitive with my words, because I know how much a harmless comment can cut to the core. I've formed close bonds with people I would have not known as well otherwise.
Many of my teenage years were spent looking for a group to belong to - a place where I fit in. While I wish that we belonged to a group that dealt with happier things, part of me is grateful for the opportunity to bond with any group. It's like I'm finally super cool! And I have cool friends! (not counting you Ronnie, you were always cooler than me anyway)
This is kind of rambling and not going anywhere. I guess the bottom line is that IF sucks, mostly because of the uncertainty of it all, but the little community I've found here is pretty awesome. Please know that if you need someone to listen, I can always be reached at jenny72982@gmail.com, and I'm a pretty good listener - since I get paid to do it all day long :-)

A Confession

There's a topic I have been avoiding on here lately.
At my pre-op appointment for the hysteroscopy, Dr. Foreign Accent asked us when we wanted to start in on IUI. He was all ready to get this show on the road.
We were not.
It's not that we aren't ready to be pregnant and have children - we're more than ready, it's something Mr. Joe and I have been discussing alot lately.
I think the problem is that are not ready to admit defeat. Right now, I have all these theories about how fixing my heart shaped box (making my ute triangle and normal shaped) is going to improve our chances of naturally conceiving, despite the fact that Dr. Foreign Accent says that one has nothing to do with the other. I am still convinced that this can happen without having to involve a third party, even though I invited that third party in the first place. That maybe now that I'll have a lining all the way around my ute that it will magically rebalance my hormones and I'll have normal cycles again.
Dr. FA was pretty surprised when we told him we just wanted to try Clomid for now. In fact, he flat out said he didn't think it would work, but he wrote out an Rx anyway and handed it to me, saying "Good luck . . ." in his thick Argentinian accent.
I filled it the next day, and have been staring at the bottle for weeks. I can't bring myself to take it. Why? I don't know. I think if I take it and it doesn't work, then I will have to admit that there is no magical fix. That there is something wrong with me. With Mr. Joe. With us.
Instead, I have been charting. I'm on CD20, 4DPO according to Fertility Frenemy, but who knows if this will work this time. Maybe, maybe not.
I find myself falling into the same tired excuses - maybe it's not our time, maybe it's because we were too early or too late in getting it on, maybe I DO need to relax! Maybe it's because we don't have mood lighting and candles in our bedroom! Maybe we need to do it upside down!
All of this makes me depressed. Sad that one more thing is not going my way. Then the sadness brings on memories of my brother, and the fact that I hate my job, and Mr. Joe has been busting his ass at his job and isn't getting the recognition he deserves, and that yet ANOTHER person on my team at work is knocked up, bringing it to a grand total of 3 people I know getting KU in a month's time. Then I become envious and bitter and I turn into someone I don't like. I used to be happy(ish) with what I had. I hate where we live, but I was happy with owning a home. My dog was my baby. I was content. Now, I turn into a bitter frostybox beeotch at work because everyone has babies on the brain. I get aggrivated when I see Facebook status about bringing awareness to cancer (BTW, WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT CANCER, OR KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS IT, OR LOST SOMEONE TO IT? HOW IS POSTING THAT ON YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE GOING TO HELP?? see? complete frostybox). I sob on the way home from work because life is so unfair that crazy people can have babies and assholes survive cancer and people that are awful and mean get ahead and POOR MRS. JOE wah wah wah. I make myself sick over the person I become when I let it take over.
So I avoid the topic altogether. I focus on McFatty Mondays. Most of the people I comment on are mommy bloggers, which can sometimes be hard, but I like them. I feel better when they encourage me on MM. I pretend to not be thinking about TTC constantly - but it's there, right on my sleeve.
So, in case you've been wondering, that's why I haven't mentioned it.

Still on step one. . .

The SA didn't happen today. Our power went out and we woke up way too late to even think about doing anything but get ready and get to work. This whole thing annoys me because it pushes us back a week now.
What's another week right? I took another test last night, just to see if maybe I was KU and we wouldn't have to go through with it after all. Of course, BFN.
I don't have anything else to write about other than how sorry I feel for myself right now, and I don't feel like being Debbie Downer. I want to be positive and upbeat. I'm not even that far down this road and already I'm whining! Hopefully this weekend something happy or exciting will happen and I will be all rainbows and sunshine for you!

McFatty Monday - I'm still in a bad mood . . .

So far, I'm down 2 pounds.
Yay.
If we count from the time I decided I was too fat to be a trophy wife, I have lost over 20. But today, I don't want to count from that date. I just want to be mopey and sulky and bitchy.
Took another test today. It was negative. I KNOW SHOCKER RIGHT? My bf Ronnie thinks I should go in for a blood test because how is it possible that I am 30 days late? I must be pregnant right? Right? RIGHT???
The answer is no. I am not.
So yay for me and my 2 pounds. I'm still going to throw my weight around at my Dr's office when I call. TOMORROW.
Because apparently the last of my patience went with those 2 pounds.

Life is one big stage, after all

Ironically, the year I am married is the worst year of my life thus far. It started off with our money being stolen out of our account when Mr. Joe decided to apply for a "job" that would require a deposit of "about nineteen twenty", which is understood as 19.20, but in actuality was 1920.00. Needless to say, for a young couple saving for a wedding, nineteen twenty was a pretty big blow, especially when it was taken twice. Did I mention this almost caused us to lose our photographer? Definitely not a fun time in our life. It took months to get our money back, but we finally were able to. That came just in time for my car to get broken into at work and EVERYTHING to be stolen out of it. EVERYTHING, including both of our passports, my identification, credit cards, access to our just recovered wedding account, and these delicious pastry twists that I had just bought. Ridiculous. I was also battling an intensely personal situation that even under the anonymity of the Soap Scum Avenger I refuse to go into detail on. Just know that it was intense and caused me great pain and sacrifice. Times this year were tough. Add to that the wedding planning and the DRAMA that came out of merging three families into one happy party, and you can imagine how hard it would be to maintain sanity. Throughout all of this, I remained calm and continued to remind myself that life is difficult and I should try to be positive because as each awful moment occurred, I was CERTAIN that it was the last.
Now I am beginning to think I am cursed.
My brother is dying and there is nothing I can do to stop it.