Mrs. Joe: "Mr. Joe, can we go to Disney World for the millionth time this summer?"
Mr. Joe: " I don't know, let's play it by year."
I know that makes no sense, hence the argument. But I digress.
The discussion started when we heard a commercial for a urologist on the radio (I wish I could find it online and play it for you here, it was probably the dumbest advertisement I have ever heard in my entire life. It involved a crazy urologist giving vasectomies to a basketball player and a cheerleader during a basketball game, and the cheerleader ends up being a transvestite - hence the vasectomy - and it's "so quick and painless" that the basketball player didn't notice it. Really, really dumb). Mr. Joe was wondering how a guy finds his way into that area of medicine because he "couldn't imagine staring at wieners all day". Yes, he actually said 'wieners'. We are so mature. While we were both laughing about this weirdo urologist guy, I quietly slipped in that Dr. Foreign Accent wants him to see one. <>
He was pretty somber when he said, "ABSOLUTELY NOT".
It's not that he isn't supportive, or as anxious to have children, in fact as soon as the words left his lips, he was apologizing for sounding so caustic. He's just not as willing as I am to have people all up in his business. I completely understand that. We did an SA once, and that's as far as he is willing to go at this point in the game. We already confirmed that the only thing off on his SA was the motility, and even then it wasn't that low. The problem is definitely me at this point. From this, we have decided upon a TTC Action Plan:
Step one - I will have the hysteroscopy and hopefully live through it (I will have to post all of the various disaster scenarios that I have come up with in my head)
Step two - Find a way to regulate my cycles with medication so we can pinpoint when I ovulate
Step three - do the deed at those times
If after several cycles of this not succeeding, we will reevaluate where we are and if we are ready to try a more invasive route. It doesn't look like much, but it feels really good to have a set plan in place for the next couple of months. I think we both felt like TTC was getting away from us, like a crazy runaway train. I think we're more in control of the train now and I can already feel less tension between us.
Basically, what this boils down to for us is patience and faith. I have faith that we will have children. We all know the bible verses that promise us prosperity and purpose (specifically, Jeremiah 29:11 where those same words are basically used). I believe that. The patience part is not really as easy to come by. This is just going to be a really hard lesson in patience I think. I know at the end, all of this indecision and uncertainty is going to make it all worth it, but I really, really, really want to get to the "worth it" part already! How do you wait for something to happen when you don't know when (or how, but I'm not focusing on that) it's happening?
Way back in the beginning of my obsession with babies and blogging, I found a blog of a waiting adoptive mom (who has since had a successful open adoption with her son AND birthed a "surprise" baby boy). The majority of blogs I found had all of the "standard" waiting mother bible verses and other various quotes, but this woman had a verse I had never heard before:
"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!"
My first thought was, "What the heck is a Habakkuk?" I still need to google that one. Now, I read this passage everyday. I repeat it to myself as I listen to the trolls who call in and complain to me at work. I know it by heart. It was no accident that I stumbled upon these words and the blogs that I read. All of this is comforting to me because I know that eventually, the patience I'm supposed to learn will come.
I just wish it would come right now.