I need to get this out so I can fall asleep tonight. This is going to be all over the place:
I am terrified of having surgery. I have never had any kind of surgery before, not even for my wisdom teeth (but that is coming soon after) and I am SUPER NERVOUS. I can only imagine the awkward joking that will take place the day of. What I am most freaked out about is that something will go wrong and I will be permanently, irreversibly infertile. What if that is the reason that I have found my way to all of the adoption blogs I read? Will this be God's way of showing me that I am not meant to get pregnant? I don't know what I would do if I couldn't have a baby "the old fashioned way". I don't think I have the patience or the sanity left to try another way. Of course, I could be overreacting and everything will be fine.
Say that everything IS fine. Dr. Foreign Accent thinks that after the hysteroscopy on the 1st, the next thing to do is an IUI. Why can't we try with clomid first? I'm pretty sure that Mr. Joe is not too keen on providing another sample. I confirmed with the RE that the only thing "off" about the SA we had done was the motility. Nothing else, and even that was just a little low. It was definitely not as bad as Dr. H made it out to be. I feel like if I was to tell Dr. Foreign Accent that we wanted to try Clomid first, that he would question how badly we want this. TRUST ME FRIENDS: WE WANT THIS. I want to be on the same page with Mr. Joe, and I know that he really doesn't want to give a "sample" at their office. He's pretty much the exact opposite of me, really shy and quiet and not comfortable having to do things like that. Not that I'm pleased as punch to get in the stirrups, but it's easier for me to do it than it is for him. I worry that if we were to share that with the RE, that they wouldn't take us seriously. I hate feeling like that. I hate watching Mr. Joe's degenerate cousins have babies without having to consult anyone, and then feeling like I have to be granted permission to have a child because it won't happen "by mistake". I think this may also be why I am worried about having to have a family through adoption. Talk about granting permission. You ACTUALLY have to be granted permission, and pay lots of money, and be picked by someone. I know how that game goes. I took gym class. I was always picked last.
AND NOW A CONFESSION: I am still hoping that things will happen "naturally" and I think I am going to hold off on the bcp for a week or so. Maybe I will O on day 14. Today is day 11 and I think I might try for it still, since the heart shape isn't as severe as they thought (I know there is an actual medical term for what I have, but I can't think of it right now). It can't hurt right? I just want one chance. JUST ONE.
I'm sorry for this post. If you've read this far thanks for listening. I feel a little better now and I think I can sleep.