Sunday, January 17, 2010

To pee or not to pee?

I love getting mail. One of the coolest things about owning your own home is that all the mails that come to your house are for you! Yesterday was a glorious day because I recieved a special package I had been waiting for from one of the sweet bloggers that I read. She sent me 10 (TEN!!) tests that she was selling, since she is patiently waiting for a miracle daughter from Russia and no longer has a need to pee on such things.
I however, have a deep and aching need to pee on as many tests as my grubby hands can get on.
This is a serious problem friends. Back in the beginning of last year, when we were "just seeing what would happen" if Mr. Joe and I weren't "careful", being late and seeing negative tests were no big deal. I would chalk the negatives up to bad timing and move on. Life was fine, I wasn't obessing and negative tests were just a sign that this time wasn't our time. Until THE CHANGE.
I can almost pinpoint the time THE CHANGE took place. We were at Disney, and I was surrounded by BABIES! and CHILDREN! and my head was swimming with all the super cute things I was seeing. Now, Disney World has always been a special place for me. My family vacationed there every year while I was growing up (which was prolly why my siblings and I had no college savings plan whatsoever, but who needs education?) and the memories I have from those vacations are some of my happiest. Seeing those young families reminded me of the time, and made my heart ache for babies to share my obsession love with.
That ache quickly moved south to my empty uterus. At first, it was a dull ache, only making itself know every now and then. Two of Mr. Joe's cousins became pregnant and the ache became more prevalent. I wanted to be the first to have a great grandbaby for Nama! Nevermind that neither of them were married. Mr. Joe and I can do this! Let's get going! I attempted to chart. I acted as sexy as I could around the times that I thought I was ovulating. Negative tests were frustrating.
Then my brother died. I had been due for AF the week that he passed, and the possiblity of carrying life inside me was sustaining me while I tried to hold my parents together. I remember sobbing in the hotel bathroom two weeks later (while in FL for his service) as I felt two losses: the first being my big brother, my personal comedian and confidant; the second, the baby that never was. I desperately wanted to give my family some happy news after all the sadness that came with my brother's illness and passing. I wanted to know that life could go on. The ache became ever-present and deep. Peeing on those tests became an obession and a source of great sadness.
Here I am tonight, with 10 fresh tests sitting in front of me. They want me to pee on them. They are calling to me. I have to pee badly. I have been holding it the entire time I have been writing this post, trying to decide what to do.
Tonight, I am 30 days late. I don't know if I ovulated because I think you need a PhD to properly read those OPK strips, but if I did at the time that I thought I had a positive, then there is a good chance that I might get a plus sign. I know I told myself I wouldn't test until the 29th. The end of the month. The make-it-or-break-it date for my ute to either bleed or incubate a babyJoe. I have never been a patient girl and my part of me is screaming inside, "PEE ON ONE FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD LADY!!! (that might actually be my bladder screaming at me. I am on the verge of peeing my pants while I make a decision)" The other part of me is terrified that it will be negative again and I will be one negative test closer to marching down to my Dr.'s and demanding that she confirm my ability to have a baby. I don't know how I will handle the answer. If I am this neurotic about ttc now, how will I be if I have a definite IF diagnosis????
ETA: Y'all knew I would POAS right?? Well I did, and whatdyaknow, it's a BFN. WTF?? FML! AND VARIOUS OTHER ABBREVS! I think I'll just sleep on the LazyBoy tonight to avoid waking Mr. Joe as I cry myself to sleep. I miss my brother. I can't become pregnant. I hate this.

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