I'm not fine

Most every call I take in this call center starts off the same:

"Hi this is {someone annoying}, I'm calling because {something unimportant}, how are you?"

Lately, it is taking everything in my being not scream "I'M REALLY FREAKING UNHAPPY, THANKS FOR ASKING!"

Today is not a good day friends.

First, I was late to work. Because of traffic. Traffic in which I had plenty of time to ponder the meaning of my life, and how I feel like I am going nowhere. Time to ponder the meaning of my dreams, including the most recent one where I was watching ultrasounds until I woke up. It occurred to me on my way into work today that the crazy coworker is having her big ultrasound today. That's how crazy I am. I subconsciously think about other people's big ultrasounds. Ultimately, my drive to work ended in tears. I really loathe my job and I'm tired of feeling as though I add no value to society whatsoever. Sadly, Mr. Joe and I rely heavily on my income, so I cannot leave without the promise of equal or greater pay. So, into the office I went, drying my tears and silently willing myself to SUCK IT UP.

Then, naturally, I was yelled at by clients all day. No one is happy with their retirement funds. Its inevitable that you will one day call in and yell at someone about your retirement account. When you do, think of me and be kind. All the while, I answered the H.A.Y. question with, "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine." I am not fine. I am hanging on by a thread here.
My teammates talk about how crazy coworker said she would be out of work for the rest of the week if she finds out she's having a boy, because she would be so upset. Of course, she texts us later to announce, "It's a girl!" Snip! went the thread I was hanging on. Of course. Of course this girl gets everything she wants.

I realize I am fortunate to have a job, which has provided me with infertility treatments, if I was not in denial of my obvious lack of baby making skills. I am fortunate to be married to Mr. Joe, who loves him some psychopath and puts up with my whining and bitching.

I don't want to be this bitter, nasty frostybox. I don't want to ache and yearn for something that comes seemingly easy to everyone but me. I wish I could wake up and be happy with my lot in life. Believe me, I am trying to find a job in which I am allowed to choose what time I go to lunch or when I can get up to pee. I've been looking, I promise. I know that I will not be here in this place in my life forever. For this day and this moment though, I am and it sucks.