P90X it is.

I started af on Tuesday. At work, of course, so I couldn't really afford to cry and carry on like I did last month.

I cried a little anyway. Ironically, as I gazed out the window in an effort to compose myself, one of summer's last bumble bees was buzzing around. I heard the distinct smack as it flew into the window pane. Then again. Then again. "That's silly," I thought to myself, "why would you keep flying into the same spot after being (painfully) rejected 3 times?" I half giggled, until I realized that the bee was not the only one hitting the same obstacle over and over again. We've flown into the window several more times than the bee, each time the feeling the sting a little deeper.

ahhhhhhh this sucks and I hate it.

So P90x it is for a little while. We leave for Disney in 113 days, so that gives me plenty of time to tone up and look svelte for the hot February sun. I will look the sexiest I have ever been. I will research the book I want to write. I will drink beer. Maybe I'll finally start piano lessons again or pick up a camera or something. We still have so much to do with the house. As I looked around last night, I saw all of the projects I've been putting off because I wanted to be pregnant. There were things I wanted to do before all of this began. Maybe this is my sign to do them.

I'm going to try not to be low and melancholy about it all. This month is a tough one for me, as I've said about a million times before. Part of me thinks I always knew that this month would not be it. I'm sad, but not broken. I just need a break from this. I need to find a new doctor, one who maybe monitors patients on clomid instead of just writing a script and wishing them luck. I need to settle into my new job and work out a new schedule. I need to let go of some of the grief I am carrying around. None of that can be very conducive to making a baby.

Mr. Joe is not really on board with my break idea, so I will continue to chart (sorta) and we will still have sex. Not that we wouldn't have sex anyway, I guess what I meant was that he'll be timing sex. I won't because I will be too busy enjoying all of the new hobbies I will be taking on. And Tony Horton!! I'll be enjoying my boyfriend Tony Horton again.

I know I can't just turn off the baby brain I have. It will be there until I'm holding a baby (one that belongs to me, not just any old baby) in my arms. I'm pretty sure that once I beef up my fat hammy arms, I'll be able to push it to the back of my mind at least.

So. Be prepared for non-ttc dribble and other nonsense. Or be prepared to ignore me for a few weeks or months.

Just please tell me we'll still be friends and you won't all board the baby train and ride off into the sunset without me.

Stuck

This is my 100th post. I imagined this to be a magical milestone in my blogging career . . . but I've got nothing. No pearls of wisdom. Nothing funny to say. No BFP or BFN. Not even a picture.

I'm stuck.

I decided if I don't bleed by this Friday, I will test. If not, we're taking a break. I will start P90X again, we will save the last round of clomid for another day. I need to give my ovaries, and my heart, a rest. Also, we're going to a wedding on 11/6 and if I am in the throws of another round of clomid I will most likely start a trashy brawl with some of the family members that will be there. As it is, I may start a fight anyway. I have yet to gain back my "filter" this month. Trust that if I end up with a black eye, I will post pictures. And not to worry - I won't ruin anyone's big day. I'll take it outside to the parking lot :-)

Remember the new job I get to start soon? Well, when they said they had to push the date back to November, the really meant December. 6th, to be exact. I have 30 work days left until I can escape this headset and cubicle. I have a little countdown going on to motivate me to keep going. I'm not going to lie - it's tough having to wait. Even with a date set for my departure, it feels like I'm never getting out! Just another lesson in patience. I feel like I am taking a senior level course in patience lately. I wish I could just graduate with a master's in it already.

The anniversary of my brother's death is hurtling towards me like an Armageddon-esque asteroid. I keep meaning to say something about him here, but I start to write and then end up with nothing usable. I think part of it is that I want to honor him by writing some amazing and poetic piece. . . but I am not really that great with words. I end up with a sentence or two about how my initial grief has turned into unrelenting regret and then I get all emo - like and weepy and who wants that? I thought this would be easier the further away the whole ordeal gets. It is not. I feel like I miss him even more.

So, in summary: I am stuck waiting for a decision to be made for me - will it be P90X or baby? I may or may not beat people up at a wedding in two weeks. I miss my brother. You've spent 100 moments with my mindless blurbs. I am grateful. <-------- Not sarcasm (I know I need to include a disclaimer when I am being sincere).

I am going to Dethrone the Burger King

That cocky bastard has messed with the wrong fat kid.

If there is one thing on this earth that makes me want to hurl, it is orange cheese. Especially orange American cheese. Just typing the words makes my mouth all spitty.

I have been insatiably hungry today for some reason. I was not really satisfied with my breakfast this morning, and was really looking forward to lunch. For some strange reason, I wanted a whopper jr. This was no mere craving friends. It was a deep, definite, NEED for a whopper jr. - no lettuce, no pickles.

I ask you: Does that seem terribly difficult to deliver?

Apparently, because some total ASSHOLE decided to spoil my delicious whopper jr. by tainting it with their NASTY orange cheese. Sadly, I was unaware my whopper was tainted until I sat down at my desk and opened the wrapper. The RAGE bubbled up inside me like hot melty orange cheese hatred.

I realize this may not seem like a huge deal to you, but to me, orange cheese is MADDENING. There's not even a good reason for it to be orange! They COLOR it that way. Just gross.

Needless to say, being on Clomid has really made me an angry person. I seriously contemplated walking off the job and marching down to BK to smoosh someone's face in the disgusting atrocity they tried to pass off as a burger. Instead, I let my coworker eat it.

Maybe I'm in a mood because today would have been my last day here if this place didn't make it it's job to suck the life out of me. Maybe it's because today is the crazy preggo's last day before maternity leave. Maybe it's because I feel decidedly NOT knocked up.

Regardless of the reason, The BK should watch his back. That asshole is going down.

Thank you for calling . . . blah blah blah

Today would have been my last Wednesday if the fertiles hadn't invaded my team. I'm trying not focus on that. Instead, I am focusing on the fact that it is CD18.

Who else (show of hands) thinks those opks are difficult to read? Anyone? No one? Is it just me?

Probably just me. I think I got a positive opk on CD14. It looked pretty positive. The test line was darker than the control line. On CD15, the test line was lighter than the control line. Naturally, I threw both tests in the trash without taking a picture so you could all obsess with me. I know you're all disappointed - sorry!

"But Mrs. Joe", you are most likely saying, "What about CD16- 17?" Well, I sorta forgot to pee on the opks after CD15, so I guess we'll never know about those days. I'll probably forget today too, so don't hold your breath. Last night was more of the organs-feel-too-large-for-my-abdomen feeling so maybe that was when I ovulated. We're leaving nothing to chance, but I want to know when a reasonable time to test would be. Anyone been in a similar situation? Probably not, because you all know how to read those stupid opks and know when you ovulate.

This weekend is the crazy coworker's baby shower. I'm going. I think it's going to be ok. I don't intend to sob in the middle of her party while she's opening presents or anything - that would be ridiculous - but I do think it will be a little hard. A lesson in patience, that's for sure.

I'll be sure to tell you all about it. I bet you can't wait!

Fantastic News!

The universe has heard my cry.

For a new job anyway.

!!!!!!!!!

I will FINALLY be hanging up my headset for the last time. I'm moving to a new department in the company starting in November! Instead of taking calls all day, I'll be handling short term disability claims - which I'm sure will come with its own set of sucky tasks, but not one of those tasks involves having to work in a call center!!!!!! In fact, I will get to work from home 2 days a week so I don't have to drive my awful commute everyday.

I was supposed to start next friday, but because there are so many knocked up ladies on my team, they are making me wait until November so they can replace me. I'm trying to focus on the fact that I have a definite escape plan, but it was hard not to be ticked off that I'm being forced to stay for two extra weeks. I want out so badly though, so I'm just sucking it up as best I can. My calls might not be so stellar though. I've mentally checked out already.

Clomid is kicking my ass like whoa. I have been yelling at strangers, waking up sweaty, and my organs feel like they're rearranging again to make room for my huge ovaries. I start peeing on opks today, CD13. I have never been this sweaty before. It's gross. I'm sitting at my desk with a fan on high, contemplating taking my pants off while my coworkers freeze. Also, my back has been hurting. I'm not sure if that's a side effect or not though. I could just be extra complainy.

Thank you all for your positive new job vibes/thoughts/prayers - they really came through! Now I am focusing all of my energy on growing a mini me. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

TGIF

Hello friends!

I'm on CD6 and so far, Clomid is kicking my ass a little harder this time. Yesterday, I almost melted in my seat while everyone around me froze. I also almost punched a coworker in the face for accusing me of mishandling the donuts from our morning meeting. However, she saw me give her the crazy eye I think, and thought better of messing with this bull.
Another of my team members is knocked up. I kept it together when she told me. She said she didn't want me to be sad and I could tell she felt guilty. I felt so horrible that she thought I would be upset. Nevermind the fact that I was upset - I'm pretty sure that was the Clomid acting up. At least that's what I'm telling myself.
I have an interview today for another area of the company so there may be a change of scenery for me. If you can spare a good vibe or prayer, will you send it my way please? This will be difficult month for me as Halloween marks the one year anniversary of my brother's death, and a change in jobs might be just the distraction I need. That and I hate hate hate this job now :-)
Thats all for now have a marvelous weekend!