P90X it is.

I started af on Tuesday. At work, of course, so I couldn't really afford to cry and carry on like I did last month.

I cried a little anyway. Ironically, as I gazed out the window in an effort to compose myself, one of summer's last bumble bees was buzzing around. I heard the distinct smack as it flew into the window pane. Then again. Then again. "That's silly," I thought to myself, "why would you keep flying into the same spot after being (painfully) rejected 3 times?" I half giggled, until I realized that the bee was not the only one hitting the same obstacle over and over again. We've flown into the window several more times than the bee, each time the feeling the sting a little deeper.

ahhhhhhh this sucks and I hate it.

So P90x it is for a little while. We leave for Disney in 113 days, so that gives me plenty of time to tone up and look svelte for the hot February sun. I will look the sexiest I have ever been. I will research the book I want to write. I will drink beer. Maybe I'll finally start piano lessons again or pick up a camera or something. We still have so much to do with the house. As I looked around last night, I saw all of the projects I've been putting off because I wanted to be pregnant. There were things I wanted to do before all of this began. Maybe this is my sign to do them.

I'm going to try not to be low and melancholy about it all. This month is a tough one for me, as I've said about a million times before. Part of me thinks I always knew that this month would not be it. I'm sad, but not broken. I just need a break from this. I need to find a new doctor, one who maybe monitors patients on clomid instead of just writing a script and wishing them luck. I need to settle into my new job and work out a new schedule. I need to let go of some of the grief I am carrying around. None of that can be very conducive to making a baby.

Mr. Joe is not really on board with my break idea, so I will continue to chart (sorta) and we will still have sex. Not that we wouldn't have sex anyway, I guess what I meant was that he'll be timing sex. I won't because I will be too busy enjoying all of the new hobbies I will be taking on. And Tony Horton!! I'll be enjoying my boyfriend Tony Horton again.

I know I can't just turn off the baby brain I have. It will be there until I'm holding a baby (one that belongs to me, not just any old baby) in my arms. I'm pretty sure that once I beef up my fat hammy arms, I'll be able to push it to the back of my mind at least.

So. Be prepared for non-ttc dribble and other nonsense. Or be prepared to ignore me for a few weeks or months.

Just please tell me we'll still be friends and you won't all board the baby train and ride off into the sunset without me.

Stuck

This is my 100th post. I imagined this to be a magical milestone in my blogging career . . . but I've got nothing. No pearls of wisdom. Nothing funny to say. No BFP or BFN. Not even a picture.

I'm stuck.

I decided if I don't bleed by this Friday, I will test. If not, we're taking a break. I will start P90X again, we will save the last round of clomid for another day. I need to give my ovaries, and my heart, a rest. Also, we're going to a wedding on 11/6 and if I am in the throws of another round of clomid I will most likely start a trashy brawl with some of the family members that will be there. As it is, I may start a fight anyway. I have yet to gain back my "filter" this month. Trust that if I end up with a black eye, I will post pictures. And not to worry - I won't ruin anyone's big day. I'll take it outside to the parking lot :-)

Remember the new job I get to start soon? Well, when they said they had to push the date back to November, the really meant December. 6th, to be exact. I have 30 work days left until I can escape this headset and cubicle. I have a little countdown going on to motivate me to keep going. I'm not going to lie - it's tough having to wait. Even with a date set for my departure, it feels like I'm never getting out! Just another lesson in patience. I feel like I am taking a senior level course in patience lately. I wish I could just graduate with a master's in it already.

The anniversary of my brother's death is hurtling towards me like an Armageddon-esque asteroid. I keep meaning to say something about him here, but I start to write and then end up with nothing usable. I think part of it is that I want to honor him by writing some amazing and poetic piece. . . but I am not really that great with words. I end up with a sentence or two about how my initial grief has turned into unrelenting regret and then I get all emo - like and weepy and who wants that? I thought this would be easier the further away the whole ordeal gets. It is not. I feel like I miss him even more.

So, in summary: I am stuck waiting for a decision to be made for me - will it be P90X or baby? I may or may not beat people up at a wedding in two weeks. I miss my brother. You've spent 100 moments with my mindless blurbs. I am grateful. <-------- Not sarcasm (I know I need to include a disclaimer when I am being sincere).

I am going to Dethrone the Burger King

That cocky bastard has messed with the wrong fat kid.

If there is one thing on this earth that makes me want to hurl, it is orange cheese. Especially orange American cheese. Just typing the words makes my mouth all spitty.

I have been insatiably hungry today for some reason. I was not really satisfied with my breakfast this morning, and was really looking forward to lunch. For some strange reason, I wanted a whopper jr. This was no mere craving friends. It was a deep, definite, NEED for a whopper jr. - no lettuce, no pickles.

I ask you: Does that seem terribly difficult to deliver?

Apparently, because some total ASSHOLE decided to spoil my delicious whopper jr. by tainting it with their NASTY orange cheese. Sadly, I was unaware my whopper was tainted until I sat down at my desk and opened the wrapper. The RAGE bubbled up inside me like hot melty orange cheese hatred.

I realize this may not seem like a huge deal to you, but to me, orange cheese is MADDENING. There's not even a good reason for it to be orange! They COLOR it that way. Just gross.

Needless to say, being on Clomid has really made me an angry person. I seriously contemplated walking off the job and marching down to BK to smoosh someone's face in the disgusting atrocity they tried to pass off as a burger. Instead, I let my coworker eat it.

Maybe I'm in a mood because today would have been my last day here if this place didn't make it it's job to suck the life out of me. Maybe it's because today is the crazy preggo's last day before maternity leave. Maybe it's because I feel decidedly NOT knocked up.

Regardless of the reason, The BK should watch his back. That asshole is going down.

Thank you for calling . . . blah blah blah

Today would have been my last Wednesday if the fertiles hadn't invaded my team. I'm trying not focus on that. Instead, I am focusing on the fact that it is CD18.

Who else (show of hands) thinks those opks are difficult to read? Anyone? No one? Is it just me?

Probably just me. I think I got a positive opk on CD14. It looked pretty positive. The test line was darker than the control line. On CD15, the test line was lighter than the control line. Naturally, I threw both tests in the trash without taking a picture so you could all obsess with me. I know you're all disappointed - sorry!

"But Mrs. Joe", you are most likely saying, "What about CD16- 17?" Well, I sorta forgot to pee on the opks after CD15, so I guess we'll never know about those days. I'll probably forget today too, so don't hold your breath. Last night was more of the organs-feel-too-large-for-my-abdomen feeling so maybe that was when I ovulated. We're leaving nothing to chance, but I want to know when a reasonable time to test would be. Anyone been in a similar situation? Probably not, because you all know how to read those stupid opks and know when you ovulate.

This weekend is the crazy coworker's baby shower. I'm going. I think it's going to be ok. I don't intend to sob in the middle of her party while she's opening presents or anything - that would be ridiculous - but I do think it will be a little hard. A lesson in patience, that's for sure.

I'll be sure to tell you all about it. I bet you can't wait!

Fantastic News!

The universe has heard my cry.

For a new job anyway.

!!!!!!!!!

I will FINALLY be hanging up my headset for the last time. I'm moving to a new department in the company starting in November! Instead of taking calls all day, I'll be handling short term disability claims - which I'm sure will come with its own set of sucky tasks, but not one of those tasks involves having to work in a call center!!!!!! In fact, I will get to work from home 2 days a week so I don't have to drive my awful commute everyday.

I was supposed to start next friday, but because there are so many knocked up ladies on my team, they are making me wait until November so they can replace me. I'm trying to focus on the fact that I have a definite escape plan, but it was hard not to be ticked off that I'm being forced to stay for two extra weeks. I want out so badly though, so I'm just sucking it up as best I can. My calls might not be so stellar though. I've mentally checked out already.

Clomid is kicking my ass like whoa. I have been yelling at strangers, waking up sweaty, and my organs feel like they're rearranging again to make room for my huge ovaries. I start peeing on opks today, CD13. I have never been this sweaty before. It's gross. I'm sitting at my desk with a fan on high, contemplating taking my pants off while my coworkers freeze. Also, my back has been hurting. I'm not sure if that's a side effect or not though. I could just be extra complainy.

Thank you all for your positive new job vibes/thoughts/prayers - they really came through! Now I am focusing all of my energy on growing a mini me. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Soooooo is the 2ww ever a 3ww?

Its CD32 and so far . . . nothing has happened.

I have not seen a BFP. I have not seen anything remotely resembling AF.
Any guesses at what's going on? There's really only two options here, but what happens when you can't confirm either of those options?

I'm trying to wait patiently for one or the other to happen. I am not a patient person though. Every now and then, I feel a "knocking" in there, like my uterus is telling me it's getting ready to give me something - but no indications as to what that something will be. My hope is that it's a baby, but if we're being truthful with one another Internet, I just want to KNOW for Pete's sake!

Still here!

I think this is 10DPO. I say I think because a few days after CD15, the day I thought I O'd, I had crazy feelings of something happening where I think my ovaries are. I don't know if it was ovulation pain or just general unhappiness with me that I grew them to the size of tennis balls, but my ovaries were unhappy. Or at the very least, uncomfortable. Mr. Joe and I were hanging around the living room, watching TV, and I started to second guess myself. What if I was wrong about CD15 and TODAY was the day?? WHAT IF I WAS DROPPING ALL THE EGGS IN MY BODY RIGHT NOW? I immediately stood up, sneezed, and then crumpled to the floor because I felt like my left ovary had exploded. Mr. Joe was all concerned with my well-being, but I wouldn't let him do anything about it because I was dead set on not missing this chance! We had to get it on.

****TMI AHEAD****
It was one of the most painful times ever. I just think my whole area had reached maximum capacity and Mr. Joe's "addition" was what threw me over the edge. I already looked a little pregnant by the time we were finished. Maybe that time had instant effects? Who knows?
****End of TMI****

That brings us to today. 10DPO if I O'd on CD15, 7 or 8 DPO if it happened when my organs almost exploded a few days later. I told myself all week I would test today, but then I chickened out and I'm going to try to hold on for as long as I can. I don't want to be disappointed tonight, because I'm going to a local high school football game where our friend is the head coach. This is his first game ever as a coach, and he's super nervous. I would hate to be all Debbie Downer on his special night, so I'm just not going to test.

I might not test ever. I have a serious fear of the fallout after a negative test. I hate being let down, and right now I'm content in pretending that this might be it and maybe right now there's a little life floating around in there.

A really, teeny, tiny one - because nothing else will fit.

Crossing everything over here . . .

because if it doesn't happen this cycle, this is really going to hurt.

For some reason this time around, clomid has been a pain in my ass. Or more accurately, a pain in my abdomen. I feel like my ovaries are ginormous rocks taking over my lower half. There doesn't seem to be enough room to accompany all of my organs anymore. And the hot flashes - last time I wasn't sure if I was having them or if it was just really hot. This time around, there's no second guessing if it's a flash or not. I start sweating like a hooker in church, which is awkward because they have me training with a nice guy this week and I am constantly taking layers off. Then, after about 20 minutes of burning alive, I start to freeze and put all of my layers back on. After 20 minutes of that, I have to get up because I'm barfy. I go through this cycle of hot, cold, barf, about a million times throughout the day, so I'm sure my trainer thinks I'm crazy.

All of that is a constant reminder of why I'm "suffering" (not really suffering, but it's pretty annoying) and has me at a new level of make believe. About 24 hours of my day are spent daydreaming about how I will tell Mr. Joe he's going to be a father, how we will tell other people, what colors we'll use in the nursery, names, middle names, announcements . . . on and on. The logical side of me knows this is dangerous, but the clomid-ridden hormonal side of me can't stop. It doesn't help that Mr. Joe seems to have BOTB too, even though he has no idea what he's talking about. Yesterday, he asked me if I was "on my cycle yet". I'm still not sure what he was asking about. The other day, he referred to my period as "my thingy" LOL. At this point, I just tell him what nights to show up. Today is CD10, which means Tuesday is O-day, so it will be a very busy weekend :-)

God I hope this works.

Back to Reality

I did not want to come home from Hilton Head.
I tried to convince Mr. Joe that we could just stay there and be homeless for a little while and it would all work out, but he wouldn't listen. So sadly, we had to go home. We drove so it was a loooooong 16 hours home. Normally, I like being in the car with Mr. Joe. I usually have a great time with that guy (part of the reason why I married him), but for most of this trip, he was gripping onto the handle on the door and pumping an imaginary brake in the passenger seat, claiming "other people's driving" made him nervous. I think he was lying to avoid me exploding clomid rage all over his face, but I assure you friends - I WAS LEAVING PLENTY OF SPACE IN FRONT OF ME. There, I feel better now that I have proclaimed that to the world.

One of the best things about this trip was watching my husband horse around with the kids in the pool. The people that we met on this trip were so friendly and their kids LOVED my husband. This, naturally made my empty womb ache for a whole litter of children, no surprise there. Now, whether or not he was doing it as a ploy to get lucky that night (he claims that was his reason for continuing to play with the kids), something in him definitely changed last week. Before, he was all relaxed about it and couldn't understand why I was upset every time it didn't happen for us. Now, he seems a little more . . . motivated, I guess. I'm not sure what word I'm looking for - but whatever word it is - that's what my husband is now. So back on the clomid I go. If this doesn't work, I only have two more refills after this and then after that . . . who knows? We're not thinking that far out right now. In fact, I'm not thinking about the present, let alone the future. My mind is still on the beach, even if my body is at work listening to some geezer try to reset his password.

I'll post pictures of Hilton Head later this week to show you all how beautiful it is there. Now our next vacation isn't until Feb when we go to Disney. Wouldn't it be great if I could distract myself until then by being with child??

Bummed

Clomid didn't work for us this month. I took a test this morning, and there was a little speck above the horizontal line that maybe could have been a vertical line, so I over analyzed for a little bit this morning, before I decided that at 14DPO, there would be a definite line if I was knocked up. And so I am not.
Maybe I wouldn't be as disappointed if I didn't give up certain things this month "just in case". Like P90X or drinking heavily or heroin. So now I am slightly fatter and sober instead of all glowy and preggo.
Thankfully, today's meal in the cafe is mac and cheese, so I am drowning my sorrows in melted cheese. We leave for vacation to Hilton Head in 3 days, so hopefully after that we can start fresh. Sorry to be boring and all debbie downer.

REcap

Hello all,
Here is an update on my life in handy bullet points:

*My birthday was Thursday and I turned 28 years old. Which is old in my opinion, because it is pretty close to the 30, the age I expect to be in a career (not a call center) and have a child (of the human variety).
*I finished taking the Clomid. I am pretty sure that I experienced hot flashes, but they weren't horrible. I KNOW I experienced what some call "Clomid Courage" when I almost beat the snot out of a really nasty drunk girl at the Rascal Flatts concert I went to on Saturday. I still get so amped up thinking about it, I give myself adrenaline rushes. That asshole is lucky that people were holding me back, because I would have done some serious damage.
*Today I should ovulate, if everything goes according to plan.
*I have received numerous calls on applications I have submitted, so fingers crossed I find a new, responsibility ridden job soon!
*Mr. Joe has surprised me with another trip to Disney in February! We're staying in our time share and taking our friends Chris and Katie who are Disney virgins - which is the main reason that we're going again. I have had to convince everyone that this wasn't my idea because they think I'm crazy for going again. Which I am.
*I have managed to maintain my weight since I took a break from P90X. I am really happy that I've managed not to blow back up, but considering my actions foodwise and healthwise, I am surprised. I bet if I didn't take a break I would be even less. Assuming the clomid works, I will have to wait to work out for a few (or 9) months - so we'll have to wait and see what happens.

That's pretty much it. I'm not really prepared one way or the other if we get knocked up this time around. On the one hand it seems a tad irresponsible because we are planning things and trying to budget what little money we have now and it's hard enough without adding a baby to the mix. On the other hand, we're constantly told that we will never be able to afford children anyway so there's no time like the present. I struggle alot with the decisions we're making and I'm just hoping that they are the right ones. There are times when I think that my life right now has everything that I wanted in place before we had children. Sometimes, I'm overcome with the love I have for my husband and the small life that we have in our crappy house. I know that if I never have a baby, or move out of our shack, or find a new job that I will still be incredibly blessed. Those are the times when I think that God is telling us that we're not ready. Then I think, if I wasn't ready, WHY THE HELL DO I WANT A CHIILD SO BADLY??? I seriously think I have some chemical imbalance in my brain that causes my uterus to want to fill with children, but leaves my ovaries dark and empty. I guess we just wait and see from here.

Here I Am!

Sorry for the brief hiatus there, I wasn't planning on taking a mini break. It just sorta happened that way. Here is an update on all things Mrs. Joe:

1) I still hate my job. Still looking for a new job - which basically, means I apply for anything and everything that is not call center. I think at this point I would clean elephant assholes if it paid relatively the same and rescued me from this place. (What would my title be? Assholetologist? I feel like I am pretty well qualified to perform that job.)

2) Still working on weight loss, just not as arduously as before. We've been really busy around here, seeing as it's busy time at my phone monkey job and at the movies and the house and yard are still in DESPERATE need of upgrading and improvement. I've lost motivation to workout after spending all of my time hating my job and busting my ass at my house. I definitely need to find that motivation again. Does anyone know how to find lost motivation?

3) Still not preggers, though I am taking Clomid this cycle to see what happens. This is my one and only Rx for it, so hopefully it does something. I have read alot about the symptoms and so far, I have had ZERO. At least, I think I have had zero. Every time I feel remotely warm I think to myself (in a loud inside-my-head voice), IS THIS A HOT FLASH? DOES ANYONE ELSE LOOK HOT?? HOW WILL I KNOW??? As a result I end up constantly gauging the internal thermostats of my coworkers and checking them with my own. They must think I'm queer.

4) Mr. Joe and I have started this new, radical idea for our marriage and finances. It's called Let One Person Take Care of the Bills Using Only One Joint Account. It's a relatively new concept in running a household. Instead of having three checking accounts (one for me, one for him, one for us), we now have just one account that we put all of our money in. I know it sounds crazy, right? This all stemmed from the constant overdraft fees I was accumulating (37 bucks each time friends) every time I neglected to move money into the right account or I forgot that a payment was coming out. Mr. Joe just about divorced me, but instead decided that he was taking away my debit card and giving me an allowance. So at 27 years of age, I have an allowance. It's not a set amount of money per week or anything, but basically whatever amount of cash Mr. Joe hands to me is my spending money until he has more cash for me. He hands me cash about once (sometimes twice!) a week. Then he pays all of the bills. This is working out splendidly because a) I don't have to do anything and b) magically, when I don't have my debit card, I end up with hundreds left over at the end of every pay period.

So that about covers it. I'll try to keep everyone updated more often. I know how you guys hang on my every word. I do have a funny story to share about a creepy stalker I have at the movies and an arm wrestling stalker that Mr. Joe has at his job.

McFatty Fail

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, I sorta fell off the wagon this weekend and was still hungover. This week was hard for me for some reason. Monday through Wednesday was my P90X recovery week, which means I didn't really work out that much - just walking Harry and running errands. Thursday I started phase 3, but then Friday I had to work both jobs and didn't get home from the movies until 12. I was not about to work out for an hour at 12. I still got a good workout in at the movies, because I was an usher and we have stadium seating, so my ass was up and down those stairs all night long. AND I wore a sports bra, so we can kinda count that right?
Saturday was okay, it was chest and back day, so there were allot of push ups - but I was doing them!! AND I would start on my toes (and then promptly go to my knees lol)! Then came Saturday night. Oh Saturday night. We went out for Mr. Joe's friend's birthday in the city.

Let me just pause to say this: I love Mr. Joe's friends. From the moment we met, they have accepted me as though I had been friends with them for years. Their girlfriends and wives have also fit seamlessly into my life. I feel very lucky to get along with those girls, because its rare for me to have close girlfriends. I really only have two friends from high school, and those two are like my sisters. So, to find such great friends in the girlfriends of my husband's friends is super lucky.

Except for Saturday night. My "friends" decided that I don't ever have enough fun and that I needed to let loose that night, and so I did. So much so that I apparently made plans to go on a little casino trip with everyone and I had no recollection of it until Mr. Joe was talking about it yesterday. As in, I planned an entire trip without consulting myself. I also drunk texted James' poor cousin (who was probably very tired and did not need to know that I wanted to be "bffs with her" at that very moment) and all of my siblings. I then proclaimed my belief in Jesus to Mr. Joe and that I want to take the clomid next cycle. It was a very busy night for drunk Mrs. Joe.
Hence, there was no P90Xing on Sunday. Or yesterday. I was still recovering. Today is a new day though, and I think I'm just going to start the week over next week, pretending that this week never happened. I didn't gain anything though, so that's good.
Blair had a nice question about summer vegetables, but sadly I don't have any recipes to share. My meals lately consist of Lean Cuisines and tuna fish. Would anyone like to come to my house and be my personal chef? I could be like Oprah, without the millions of dollars. You could come over and cook for me and we could hang out and then the next time I get drunk I can bother you at all hours of the night!!
Any takers?

Gardening - Help!

I need ideas for our yard this year. It's looking pretty sad. The woman that lived here before us was a little eccentric and the majority of our first and second spring here was spent "taming" the jungle she left behind. I like this tree, but I don't know what it is or what to do with it . . . Are you supposed to trim the branches or just let it grow all willy-nilly?Maybe I'll post more pictures of my horrible looking yard tomorrow and ask for more advice. I'm very needy like that. In TTC news, we have decided to hold off on taking Clomid this cycle. Because of the hysteroscopy, I have no idea what cycle day I am on and I just didn't feel like this cycle was "it". Does that make sense? Probably not. We just felt that our timing this month isn't right and we want to wait another cycle. I'm trying to be patient, and now that I have had the hysteroscopy and physically have a script for Clomid in my hands, I don't feel as much pressure as I did when people were telling me to "just relax" and "not worry about it". So stay tuned for more boring posts about my boring life :-)

I'm Alive!!

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers - I survived - and NO TESTICLES!!

The actual procedure itself only took 15 minutes, and I was there for a little over 90 minutes total. They put everything up my lady parts so I have no outside wounds and virtually no pain. I bled alot more than I expected to, but that seems to have gone away today. For the most part, I think the HSG was a million times worse. The day was pretty uneventful, except for the little panic attack I had at the end of the night when I was convinced I was going to die from a pulmonary embolism because an air bubble went through my IV line. Naturally, I was just being a drama queen and I lived through the night LOL.
We let Dr. Foreign accent know that we wanted to try just Clomid for the next three months before moving on to IUI. Not that we're opposed to go the distance - we'll do IVF if we don't conceive any of the other ways, but we just don't want to get on that roller coaster yet. Dr. Foreign accent seemed reluctant that it would work, but I felt such a peace over the decision that we made that I don't care if he thinks its dumb idea. . . even if he DOES have a degree from El Universidad de Buenos Aires. What does he know anyway?

Hope everyone has a great weekend - we are having BEAUTIFUL weather so I'll be outside working on my nasty garden I think!

CD1

You know what happens when AF is missing for 99 days?

You forget to carry the necessary items for dealing with her. While you're at work.

To be honest, when I started spotting yesterday, I thought it was my ute playing tricks on me. I had "spotted" once or twice over the last 99 days or so, but nothing else would be there the next time I took a trip to the bathroom, so I assumed (and what does assuming do kids?) that it would be the same this time as well. Oh my, was I wrong.

It started when I arrived home to an empty house last night. Mr. Joe was working his second job at Marshall's (pronounced Mar- SHALL's as in "SHALL we dance?" Makes it sound fancy), and I was by myself and super hungry. I made a box of Rice-a-Roni and ate it. The whole thing. Immediately feeling horrified with myself for being so gluttonous, I ate some BBQ chips.

I know that makes no sense, I was RAVENOUS and crazy. It made sense in my fat kid head.

After my pig-out, I decided to watch Joannie Rochette's short program skate from the other night. Do you know who I'm talking about? She's the Canadian figure skater whose mother died suddenly on Sunday. I began to sob before she even started to skate. I had to stop this madness! To get out of this funk, I decided against the episode of 16 and Pregnant I had saved and watched Mantracker instead. Mantracker is a sort or game show where this guy, "The Mantracker", hunts down a team of two people each week. The team has to make it a couple of miles through the Canadian wilderness to a finish line in two days. It's a little lame, but Mr. Joe and I like it. In this particular episode, a brother and sister team had to make it through some stupid mountain range or something. I was UGLY CRYING at that point.

Let me catch you up on somethings at this point: My oldest brother passed away on 10/31/2009. He had cancer, and was 46 years old. I haven't really said much about it here because it is still way too raw to discuss. One day I will share more about him, but for now I just need you to know this one thing. . .

We never planned to go backpacking through the woods while some crazy Canadian man (on a horse!) chased after us. NOT ONCE did we ever discuss it. For some reason though, I was BESIDE MYSELF with sadness over the fact that we could never be on Mantracker together. In the middle of my ugly cry, I got a text message from Mr. Joe asking if I was hungry and if I wanted him to stop for food on the way home. I confessed that I didn't need any more food that night since I consumed a whole box of garlic and chicken flavored rice all by my lonesome, and asked if maybe he could bring me home some Diet Coke. I managed to calm myself down enough to look somewhat collected when he came home, but when he was without my diet coke, I started all over again.

You would think after all of that, I would have figured out that I was actually going to bleed. Poor Mr. Joe! He had no idea what the hell happened to me.

The question I have now is - what should I do? The fact that I have finally started my period on my own makes me wonder what the next step should be. Do you think I should chart and see if I O on my own this time? Or should I chart and take clomid (against Dr. H's orders)? Should I still go to my RE appointment on Wednesday? Personally, I think that I should at least have one cycle charted before I go to an RE. Don't they expect that of you anyway? What would you do?
AND ALSO: Is there anyone lurking out there that could maybe follow me so I can have an even 10 followers?

McFatty Monday!

Even though I'm still only watching what I'm eating, I managed to lose another 2 lbs when I weighed myself this morning! I keep telling myself I'm going to work out, but I end up being so busy between working the two jobs and cramming all of the "fun stuff" into the time when Mr.joe and I are not working, that I don't really have extra time to work out. I do alot of housework -which occasionally makes me sweat, depending on what the cat and dog have gotten into. Hopefully soon, when Mr. Joe is FINALLY promoted in March, we can ditch our pt jobs and then I will have lots of time! Other than that, I can only credit my weightloss to the PB toast I force down for breakfast and the Lean Pockets I eat for lunch. While I realize that eventually I will hit a plateau and have to start running and changing up my menu, I don't think I will ever be able to ditch Lean Pockets. I LOVE THEM WITH A PASSION. They are the most delicious pockets in the entire universe and I will never give them up.
I wish I had a more recent picture of me as proof that I look skinnier then I did when I started following McFatty Monday, but sadly I do not. You'll have to take my word for it.
In TTC news:
Turns out my employer hates me and Clomid is not covered so I will have to pay for it out of pocket. . . which I'm kind of happy about because we use Express Scripts and I HATE THEM. Express Scripts sends you your medication through the mail. Any kind of medication, to your house through the mail. So if you're sick, you need to call them and request your meds, then wait for the mail. What kind of system is that? Answer: a crappy one. So, at least I can go wherever I want and pick up my meds without having to wait for the mail, nor run the risk of the mailman figuring out I am defective and can't ovulate on my own. I still have to call to set up Mr. Joe's SA - he is super excited and cannot wait! At least that is how I am imagining him to feel. I'm way better off this week then I was last week. Hopefully it will only take one cycle though, because I don't want to fork over 50 bucks for 4 months before we move onto something else. I will if I have to, but I will be Complainy Cathy THE WHOLE TIME - so pray for me for your own sake (as well as Mr. Joe's)!!

Back from my appointment:

I am mildly pleased with the results of my "consultation" with my doctor. We are still not sure why I am not ovulating, and she doesn't seem to be concerned with that. She suggested sending Mr. Joe for an SA before we do anything else though, and this frustrates me BECAUSE I AM DEFINITLEY THE PROBLEM. I explained that because we know I'm not ovulating, I don't think my hubby will be willing to do SA until after I am able to ovulate. He's not the most gregarious of people and bringing a sample into an office would be approximately 5 million miles outside of his comfort zone. Especially since we're pretty sure its not him. She spouted off something about how if we are infertile we have to be prepared to be poked and prodded and basically lose all dignity if we want to persue infertility treatments.
REALLY? I HAD NO IDEA. (insert eyeroll here)
Anyway, on top of the SA order, she told me to take the progesterone and then added Clomid to the mix, but told me to wait until after the SA results get back. She also gave me a bunch of 80's style brochures about planning for a pregnancy and how to handle infertility. Ironically the picture of the couple on the IF brochure is all happy and smiley and looking like they are definitley NOT contemplating the idea that they may be infertile. SIGH.
I went home feeling extremely uneasy about broaching the SA subject with Mr. Joe, but as it turns out, he is completely on board! I had to agree to a few things, of course, but all in all he agreed with Dr. H that we should rule him out now instead of putting me through anything "unnecessary" (am I the only one who here who is accepting of the fact that IT'S ME. I'M THE PROBLEM. Anyone?). After we get the results of that back, I will take the progesterone and then Clomid and then we'll get it on and BOOM! we'll be preggers. Right?
Hope so.
So that's where we are now. I have to figure out the logistics of the SA and then we'll be on our way!