CD? ?DPO . . . An Open Letter to Friends and Acquaintances

Dear Everyone I Know:

Please stop getting knocked up until I have successfully been knocked up first. I want to be happy and excited for you, but I am a cold hearted bitch and cannot fight my jealous feelings when I see your announcements. The resulting inner conflict leaves me barfy and sad at my general bitter state. I could try to stay off of facebook, but then I would become bored at work and coloring only entertains me for so long. To be frank, everything is about me, me, me, so stop being so selfish already and focus more on me. Love, Mrs. Joe

I don't know where I am in this cycle. Literally and figuratively.

Naturally, I did just what I said I wasn't going to do on Friday and I took a test when I got home from work. Of course, it was negative and of course, I threw a tantrum. I tried my best to get it together for the football game, and for the most part I succeeded. Given the results, I'm going to guess that I did not ovulate on CD15 and instead did a few days later and this is actually 9 or 10 DPO, which could still be too early for a BFP. I'm still holding out for it.

I hate feeling like a total bitch every time I see an announcement on fb or at work or some other place. The latest announcement is from a good friend from high school, and she wasn't flashy or obnoxious about it either. In fact, I had to stalk her page a little to confirm it. I wanted to be happy for her. For a moment, I was. Then, envy started creeping in and no matter how I tried to squash it, the feeling sorta took over. How is it possible that I can recognize the jealousy taking over, but I can't stop it??? Most of that open letter is a joke, but the internal war I fight with myself really does make me sick. This is not the person I want to be.

Still here!

I think this is 10DPO. I say I think because a few days after CD15, the day I thought I O'd, I had crazy feelings of something happening where I think my ovaries are. I don't know if it was ovulation pain or just general unhappiness with me that I grew them to the size of tennis balls, but my ovaries were unhappy. Or at the very least, uncomfortable. Mr. Joe and I were hanging around the living room, watching TV, and I started to second guess myself. What if I was wrong about CD15 and TODAY was the day?? WHAT IF I WAS DROPPING ALL THE EGGS IN MY BODY RIGHT NOW? I immediately stood up, sneezed, and then crumpled to the floor because I felt like my left ovary had exploded. Mr. Joe was all concerned with my well-being, but I wouldn't let him do anything about it because I was dead set on not missing this chance! We had to get it on.

****TMI AHEAD****
It was one of the most painful times ever. I just think my whole area had reached maximum capacity and Mr. Joe's "addition" was what threw me over the edge. I already looked a little pregnant by the time we were finished. Maybe that time had instant effects? Who knows?
****End of TMI****

That brings us to today. 10DPO if I O'd on CD15, 7 or 8 DPO if it happened when my organs almost exploded a few days later. I told myself all week I would test today, but then I chickened out and I'm going to try to hold on for as long as I can. I don't want to be disappointed tonight, because I'm going to a local high school football game where our friend is the head coach. This is his first game ever as a coach, and he's super nervous. I would hate to be all Debbie Downer on his special night, so I'm just not going to test.

I might not test ever. I have a serious fear of the fallout after a negative test. I hate being let down, and right now I'm content in pretending that this might be it and maybe right now there's a little life floating around in there.

A really, teeny, tiny one - because nothing else will fit.

Ahhhh I can't stop!!

I cannot stop looking at cute baby things! Look what I found on etsy:

So cute for Disney freak like me. I know I'm putting the cart miles before the horse. Rational Mrs. Joe knows she should not be playing into these fantasies. Crazy Mrs. Joe doesn't care what rational Mrs. Joe thinks.

In other news: Mr. Joe's grandmother just had surgery for a huge (non cancerous) tumor on her thyroid. The recovery has been rough. She should be going home today, but she is in a lot of pain. If you have a spare thought or prayer for her we would appreciate it.

Humming the Jeopardy tune

doo doo doo da da doo doo doo . . . So I'm 1DPO over here and so far this wait has been agonizing. It's going to be a long two weeks. I refuse to test early though. I'm going to let my crazy imagination run as far as it can go until my 2 week wait is up. No sense in stopping now.

In an effort to pass the time more quickly, I picked up The Hunger Games to read while I wait.

Unfortunately, it was very good and I read it in a day.

Anyone else read it? Stephenie Meyer (the author of the Twilight series) suggested it on her site once, and even though I think she's an "ehhh" writer, I decided I would give this one a try. I thought it was very good and now I'm searching for the next book. Hopefully I can find it today. I doubt it will take me long to finish reading this series though, so I really need to find something else to occupy my time. Any suggestions?

Also: Yay!! I have 20 even followers!! I love even numbers. I am a dork.

Crossing everything over here . . .

because if it doesn't happen this cycle, this is really going to hurt.

For some reason this time around, clomid has been a pain in my ass. Or more accurately, a pain in my abdomen. I feel like my ovaries are ginormous rocks taking over my lower half. There doesn't seem to be enough room to accompany all of my organs anymore. And the hot flashes - last time I wasn't sure if I was having them or if it was just really hot. This time around, there's no second guessing if it's a flash or not. I start sweating like a hooker in church, which is awkward because they have me training with a nice guy this week and I am constantly taking layers off. Then, after about 20 minutes of burning alive, I start to freeze and put all of my layers back on. After 20 minutes of that, I have to get up because I'm barfy. I go through this cycle of hot, cold, barf, about a million times throughout the day, so I'm sure my trainer thinks I'm crazy.

All of that is a constant reminder of why I'm "suffering" (not really suffering, but it's pretty annoying) and has me at a new level of make believe. About 24 hours of my day are spent daydreaming about how I will tell Mr. Joe he's going to be a father, how we will tell other people, what colors we'll use in the nursery, names, middle names, announcements . . . on and on. The logical side of me knows this is dangerous, but the clomid-ridden hormonal side of me can't stop. It doesn't help that Mr. Joe seems to have BOTB too, even though he has no idea what he's talking about. Yesterday, he asked me if I was "on my cycle yet". I'm still not sure what he was asking about. The other day, he referred to my period as "my thingy" LOL. At this point, I just tell him what nights to show up. Today is CD10, which means Tuesday is O-day, so it will be a very busy weekend :-)

God I hope this works.

Back to Reality

I did not want to come home from Hilton Head.
I tried to convince Mr. Joe that we could just stay there and be homeless for a little while and it would all work out, but he wouldn't listen. So sadly, we had to go home. We drove so it was a loooooong 16 hours home. Normally, I like being in the car with Mr. Joe. I usually have a great time with that guy (part of the reason why I married him), but for most of this trip, he was gripping onto the handle on the door and pumping an imaginary brake in the passenger seat, claiming "other people's driving" made him nervous. I think he was lying to avoid me exploding clomid rage all over his face, but I assure you friends - I WAS LEAVING PLENTY OF SPACE IN FRONT OF ME. There, I feel better now that I have proclaimed that to the world.

One of the best things about this trip was watching my husband horse around with the kids in the pool. The people that we met on this trip were so friendly and their kids LOVED my husband. This, naturally made my empty womb ache for a whole litter of children, no surprise there. Now, whether or not he was doing it as a ploy to get lucky that night (he claims that was his reason for continuing to play with the kids), something in him definitely changed last week. Before, he was all relaxed about it and couldn't understand why I was upset every time it didn't happen for us. Now, he seems a little more . . . motivated, I guess. I'm not sure what word I'm looking for - but whatever word it is - that's what my husband is now. So back on the clomid I go. If this doesn't work, I only have two more refills after this and then after that . . . who knows? We're not thinking that far out right now. In fact, I'm not thinking about the present, let alone the future. My mind is still on the beach, even if my body is at work listening to some geezer try to reset his password.

I'll post pictures of Hilton Head later this week to show you all how beautiful it is there. Now our next vacation isn't until Feb when we go to Disney. Wouldn't it be great if I could distract myself until then by being with child??

I heart Jonah

And you should too. I cry and carry on when I have a little blister on my toe and Jonah has them ALL THE TIME. ALL OVER. And he always looks so happy (and adorable!).
He is my hero.
You should go here: Jonah's EB auction when the time comes and bid on things.
That is all.