Stuck

This is my 100th post. I imagined this to be a magical milestone in my blogging career . . . but I've got nothing. No pearls of wisdom. Nothing funny to say. No BFP or BFN. Not even a picture.

I'm stuck.

I decided if I don't bleed by this Friday, I will test. If not, we're taking a break. I will start P90X again, we will save the last round of clomid for another day. I need to give my ovaries, and my heart, a rest. Also, we're going to a wedding on 11/6 and if I am in the throws of another round of clomid I will most likely start a trashy brawl with some of the family members that will be there. As it is, I may start a fight anyway. I have yet to gain back my "filter" this month. Trust that if I end up with a black eye, I will post pictures. And not to worry - I won't ruin anyone's big day. I'll take it outside to the parking lot :-)

Remember the new job I get to start soon? Well, when they said they had to push the date back to November, the really meant December. 6th, to be exact. I have 30 work days left until I can escape this headset and cubicle. I have a little countdown going on to motivate me to keep going. I'm not going to lie - it's tough having to wait. Even with a date set for my departure, it feels like I'm never getting out! Just another lesson in patience. I feel like I am taking a senior level course in patience lately. I wish I could just graduate with a master's in it already.

The anniversary of my brother's death is hurtling towards me like an Armageddon-esque asteroid. I keep meaning to say something about him here, but I start to write and then end up with nothing usable. I think part of it is that I want to honor him by writing some amazing and poetic piece. . . but I am not really that great with words. I end up with a sentence or two about how my initial grief has turned into unrelenting regret and then I get all emo - like and weepy and who wants that? I thought this would be easier the further away the whole ordeal gets. It is not. I feel like I miss him even more.

So, in summary: I am stuck waiting for a decision to be made for me - will it be P90X or baby? I may or may not beat people up at a wedding in two weeks. I miss my brother. You've spent 100 moments with my mindless blurbs. I am grateful. <-------- Not sarcasm (I know I need to include a disclaimer when I am being sincere).

Thank you for calling . . . blah blah blah

Today would have been my last Wednesday if the fertiles hadn't invaded my team. I'm trying not focus on that. Instead, I am focusing on the fact that it is CD18.

Who else (show of hands) thinks those opks are difficult to read? Anyone? No one? Is it just me?

Probably just me. I think I got a positive opk on CD14. It looked pretty positive. The test line was darker than the control line. On CD15, the test line was lighter than the control line. Naturally, I threw both tests in the trash without taking a picture so you could all obsess with me. I know you're all disappointed - sorry!

"But Mrs. Joe", you are most likely saying, "What about CD16- 17?" Well, I sorta forgot to pee on the opks after CD15, so I guess we'll never know about those days. I'll probably forget today too, so don't hold your breath. Last night was more of the organs-feel-too-large-for-my-abdomen feeling so maybe that was when I ovulated. We're leaving nothing to chance, but I want to know when a reasonable time to test would be. Anyone been in a similar situation? Probably not, because you all know how to read those stupid opks and know when you ovulate.

This weekend is the crazy coworker's baby shower. I'm going. I think it's going to be ok. I don't intend to sob in the middle of her party while she's opening presents or anything - that would be ridiculous - but I do think it will be a little hard. A lesson in patience, that's for sure.

I'll be sure to tell you all about it. I bet you can't wait!

Soooooo is the 2ww ever a 3ww?

Its CD32 and so far . . . nothing has happened.

I have not seen a BFP. I have not seen anything remotely resembling AF.
Any guesses at what's going on? There's really only two options here, but what happens when you can't confirm either of those options?

I'm trying to wait patiently for one or the other to happen. I am not a patient person though. Every now and then, I feel a "knocking" in there, like my uterus is telling me it's getting ready to give me something - but no indications as to what that something will be. My hope is that it's a baby, but if we're being truthful with one another Internet, I just want to KNOW for Pete's sake!

CD? ?DPO . . . An Open Letter to Friends and Acquaintances

Dear Everyone I Know:

Please stop getting knocked up until I have successfully been knocked up first. I want to be happy and excited for you, but I am a cold hearted bitch and cannot fight my jealous feelings when I see your announcements. The resulting inner conflict leaves me barfy and sad at my general bitter state. I could try to stay off of facebook, but then I would become bored at work and coloring only entertains me for so long. To be frank, everything is about me, me, me, so stop being so selfish already and focus more on me. Love, Mrs. Joe

I don't know where I am in this cycle. Literally and figuratively.

Naturally, I did just what I said I wasn't going to do on Friday and I took a test when I got home from work. Of course, it was negative and of course, I threw a tantrum. I tried my best to get it together for the football game, and for the most part I succeeded. Given the results, I'm going to guess that I did not ovulate on CD15 and instead did a few days later and this is actually 9 or 10 DPO, which could still be too early for a BFP. I'm still holding out for it.

I hate feeling like a total bitch every time I see an announcement on fb or at work or some other place. The latest announcement is from a good friend from high school, and she wasn't flashy or obnoxious about it either. In fact, I had to stalk her page a little to confirm it. I wanted to be happy for her. For a moment, I was. Then, envy started creeping in and no matter how I tried to squash it, the feeling sorta took over. How is it possible that I can recognize the jealousy taking over, but I can't stop it??? Most of that open letter is a joke, but the internal war I fight with myself really does make me sick. This is not the person I want to be.

Still here!

I think this is 10DPO. I say I think because a few days after CD15, the day I thought I O'd, I had crazy feelings of something happening where I think my ovaries are. I don't know if it was ovulation pain or just general unhappiness with me that I grew them to the size of tennis balls, but my ovaries were unhappy. Or at the very least, uncomfortable. Mr. Joe and I were hanging around the living room, watching TV, and I started to second guess myself. What if I was wrong about CD15 and TODAY was the day?? WHAT IF I WAS DROPPING ALL THE EGGS IN MY BODY RIGHT NOW? I immediately stood up, sneezed, and then crumpled to the floor because I felt like my left ovary had exploded. Mr. Joe was all concerned with my well-being, but I wouldn't let him do anything about it because I was dead set on not missing this chance! We had to get it on.

****TMI AHEAD****
It was one of the most painful times ever. I just think my whole area had reached maximum capacity and Mr. Joe's "addition" was what threw me over the edge. I already looked a little pregnant by the time we were finished. Maybe that time had instant effects? Who knows?
****End of TMI****

That brings us to today. 10DPO if I O'd on CD15, 7 or 8 DPO if it happened when my organs almost exploded a few days later. I told myself all week I would test today, but then I chickened out and I'm going to try to hold on for as long as I can. I don't want to be disappointed tonight, because I'm going to a local high school football game where our friend is the head coach. This is his first game ever as a coach, and he's super nervous. I would hate to be all Debbie Downer on his special night, so I'm just not going to test.

I might not test ever. I have a serious fear of the fallout after a negative test. I hate being let down, and right now I'm content in pretending that this might be it and maybe right now there's a little life floating around in there.

A really, teeny, tiny one - because nothing else will fit.

Ahhhh I can't stop!!

I cannot stop looking at cute baby things! Look what I found on etsy:

So cute for Disney freak like me. I know I'm putting the cart miles before the horse. Rational Mrs. Joe knows she should not be playing into these fantasies. Crazy Mrs. Joe doesn't care what rational Mrs. Joe thinks.

In other news: Mr. Joe's grandmother just had surgery for a huge (non cancerous) tumor on her thyroid. The recovery has been rough. She should be going home today, but she is in a lot of pain. If you have a spare thought or prayer for her we would appreciate it.

2DPO

Today I'm starting to feel a little less hopeful. For fun, (read: because I am a loser) I decided to do some review of the steps it takes to conceive. I can't help but feel a little discouraged at how everything needs to be in the right place to be successful. How the hell do the Duggars do it?
On top of that I have the most hideous UTI of my life. I forced myself to drink cranberry juice to help with the symptoms and hopefully get rid of it all together. I decided this morning that cranberry juice tastes like vomit to me. This revelation caused actual vomit to come up a little.

Speaking of vomit, guess what the cat did just before I was about to leave for work? The force of barfing threw the cat backwards. Poor kitty. Poor Mrs. Joe.

Somebody call the waaaaaaaaaahmbulance.

Humming the Jeopardy tune

doo doo doo da da doo doo doo . . . So I'm 1DPO over here and so far this wait has been agonizing. It's going to be a long two weeks. I refuse to test early though. I'm going to let my crazy imagination run as far as it can go until my 2 week wait is up. No sense in stopping now.

In an effort to pass the time more quickly, I picked up The Hunger Games to read while I wait.

Unfortunately, it was very good and I read it in a day.

Anyone else read it? Stephenie Meyer (the author of the Twilight series) suggested it on her site once, and even though I think she's an "ehhh" writer, I decided I would give this one a try. I thought it was very good and now I'm searching for the next book. Hopefully I can find it today. I doubt it will take me long to finish reading this series though, so I really need to find something else to occupy my time. Any suggestions?

Also: Yay!! I have 20 even followers!! I love even numbers. I am a dork.