Thank you for calling . . . blah blah blah

Today would have been my last Wednesday if the fertiles hadn't invaded my team. I'm trying not focus on that. Instead, I am focusing on the fact that it is CD18.

Who else (show of hands) thinks those opks are difficult to read? Anyone? No one? Is it just me?

Probably just me. I think I got a positive opk on CD14. It looked pretty positive. The test line was darker than the control line. On CD15, the test line was lighter than the control line. Naturally, I threw both tests in the trash without taking a picture so you could all obsess with me. I know you're all disappointed - sorry!

"But Mrs. Joe", you are most likely saying, "What about CD16- 17?" Well, I sorta forgot to pee on the opks after CD15, so I guess we'll never know about those days. I'll probably forget today too, so don't hold your breath. Last night was more of the organs-feel-too-large-for-my-abdomen feeling so maybe that was when I ovulated. We're leaving nothing to chance, but I want to know when a reasonable time to test would be. Anyone been in a similar situation? Probably not, because you all know how to read those stupid opks and know when you ovulate.

This weekend is the crazy coworker's baby shower. I'm going. I think it's going to be ok. I don't intend to sob in the middle of her party while she's opening presents or anything - that would be ridiculous - but I do think it will be a little hard. A lesson in patience, that's for sure.

I'll be sure to tell you all about it. I bet you can't wait!

Another Recap Post, because that's all I seem to do . . .

This weekend, Mr. Joe and I joined Chrissy and her boyfriend on a trip to our nation's capital. You'll be glad to know your tax dollars are hard at work there. I promise. We were also hard at work, as is evidenced by this photo of Chrissy and I holding up the capital building. We took a very long day trip to the city, and then later that night we went to my favorite piano bar in Georgetown, Mr. Smith's. It was a much needed break from my lame-o job and such.

I was brought back to reality Monday morning, when on my way into work I tripped on the stairs and skinned my knee in front of about 5 suited, profesh looking people. Awesome. Then, at breakfast, I dropped my bagel on the floor of the cafe. I thought about eating it for a hot second, and then decided that it was not a good idea. I really wanted to call it at day at that point.

Today, I came in to the preggo at work talking about touring the hospital and planning for the birth and I was trying my best not to vomit jealousy all over my keyboard. I hate being jealous of her, because apart from the whole "being knocked up" part, she doesn't really have a glamorous life. It's the other preggo I work with whose life I'd like to take over . . . she is very quiet thought and doesn't seem to bother me as much as the first one does.
08/18 is 14dpo, so we'll see what happens then. And what will happen next.

Part of me wants this time to be it, so I can quit thinking about when it will happen for us and move on with our lives. The other part of me will probably be terrified if it is. This whole "living life" business would be so much easier if we were just told when things would happen!

I'm not fine

Most every call I take in this call center starts off the same:

"Hi this is {someone annoying}, I'm calling because {something unimportant}, how are you?"

Lately, it is taking everything in my being not scream "I'M REALLY FREAKING UNHAPPY, THANKS FOR ASKING!"

Today is not a good day friends.

First, I was late to work. Because of traffic. Traffic in which I had plenty of time to ponder the meaning of my life, and how I feel like I am going nowhere. Time to ponder the meaning of my dreams, including the most recent one where I was watching ultrasounds until I woke up. It occurred to me on my way into work today that the crazy coworker is having her big ultrasound today. That's how crazy I am. I subconsciously think about other people's big ultrasounds. Ultimately, my drive to work ended in tears. I really loathe my job and I'm tired of feeling as though I add no value to society whatsoever. Sadly, Mr. Joe and I rely heavily on my income, so I cannot leave without the promise of equal or greater pay. So, into the office I went, drying my tears and silently willing myself to SUCK IT UP.

Then, naturally, I was yelled at by clients all day. No one is happy with their retirement funds. Its inevitable that you will one day call in and yell at someone about your retirement account. When you do, think of me and be kind. All the while, I answered the H.A.Y. question with, "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine." I am not fine. I am hanging on by a thread here.
My teammates talk about how crazy coworker said she would be out of work for the rest of the week if she finds out she's having a boy, because she would be so upset. Of course, she texts us later to announce, "It's a girl!" Snip! went the thread I was hanging on. Of course. Of course this girl gets everything she wants.

I realize I am fortunate to have a job, which has provided me with infertility treatments, if I was not in denial of my obvious lack of baby making skills. I am fortunate to be married to Mr. Joe, who loves him some psychopath and puts up with my whining and bitching.

I don't want to be this bitter, nasty frostybox. I don't want to ache and yearn for something that comes seemingly easy to everyone but me. I wish I could wake up and be happy with my lot in life. Believe me, I am trying to find a job in which I am allowed to choose what time I go to lunch or when I can get up to pee. I've been looking, I promise. I know that I will not be here in this place in my life forever. For this day and this moment though, I am and it sucks.

Overheard at work today . . .

Thank goodness it is 4:13 and I leave in 15 minutes . . .
Did I tell you about the preggos on my team at work? EVERYONE here is knocked up - except yours truly, of course - and it seems as though everyone knows that I am baby crazy. One of the girls here is nuts (actually nutso, just got out of the nut house) and was talking about how she doesn't want a boy. Do you know what she will do if she has a boy? She will "just give it to me." As in she ACTUALLY SAID: "I'll just give it to Jenny." (Oh hey thats my name I don't care anymore - thats how mad I am grrrrrr)

HILARIOUS.