Back to Reality

I did not want to come home from Hilton Head.
I tried to convince Mr. Joe that we could just stay there and be homeless for a little while and it would all work out, but he wouldn't listen. So sadly, we had to go home. We drove so it was a loooooong 16 hours home. Normally, I like being in the car with Mr. Joe. I usually have a great time with that guy (part of the reason why I married him), but for most of this trip, he was gripping onto the handle on the door and pumping an imaginary brake in the passenger seat, claiming "other people's driving" made him nervous. I think he was lying to avoid me exploding clomid rage all over his face, but I assure you friends - I WAS LEAVING PLENTY OF SPACE IN FRONT OF ME. There, I feel better now that I have proclaimed that to the world.

One of the best things about this trip was watching my husband horse around with the kids in the pool. The people that we met on this trip were so friendly and their kids LOVED my husband. This, naturally made my empty womb ache for a whole litter of children, no surprise there. Now, whether or not he was doing it as a ploy to get lucky that night (he claims that was his reason for continuing to play with the kids), something in him definitely changed last week. Before, he was all relaxed about it and couldn't understand why I was upset every time it didn't happen for us. Now, he seems a little more . . . motivated, I guess. I'm not sure what word I'm looking for - but whatever word it is - that's what my husband is now. So back on the clomid I go. If this doesn't work, I only have two more refills after this and then after that . . . who knows? We're not thinking that far out right now. In fact, I'm not thinking about the present, let alone the future. My mind is still on the beach, even if my body is at work listening to some geezer try to reset his password.

I'll post pictures of Hilton Head later this week to show you all how beautiful it is there. Now our next vacation isn't until Feb when we go to Disney. Wouldn't it be great if I could distract myself until then by being with child??

Bummed

Clomid didn't work for us this month. I took a test this morning, and there was a little speck above the horizontal line that maybe could have been a vertical line, so I over analyzed for a little bit this morning, before I decided that at 14DPO, there would be a definite line if I was knocked up. And so I am not.
Maybe I wouldn't be as disappointed if I didn't give up certain things this month "just in case". Like P90X or drinking heavily or heroin. So now I am slightly fatter and sober instead of all glowy and preggo.
Thankfully, today's meal in the cafe is mac and cheese, so I am drowning my sorrows in melted cheese. We leave for vacation to Hilton Head in 3 days, so hopefully after that we can start fresh. Sorry to be boring and all debbie downer.

Another Recap Post, because that's all I seem to do . . .

This weekend, Mr. Joe and I joined Chrissy and her boyfriend on a trip to our nation's capital. You'll be glad to know your tax dollars are hard at work there. I promise. We were also hard at work, as is evidenced by this photo of Chrissy and I holding up the capital building. We took a very long day trip to the city, and then later that night we went to my favorite piano bar in Georgetown, Mr. Smith's. It was a much needed break from my lame-o job and such.

I was brought back to reality Monday morning, when on my way into work I tripped on the stairs and skinned my knee in front of about 5 suited, profesh looking people. Awesome. Then, at breakfast, I dropped my bagel on the floor of the cafe. I thought about eating it for a hot second, and then decided that it was not a good idea. I really wanted to call it at day at that point.

Today, I came in to the preggo at work talking about touring the hospital and planning for the birth and I was trying my best not to vomit jealousy all over my keyboard. I hate being jealous of her, because apart from the whole "being knocked up" part, she doesn't really have a glamorous life. It's the other preggo I work with whose life I'd like to take over . . . she is very quiet thought and doesn't seem to bother me as much as the first one does.
08/18 is 14dpo, so we'll see what happens then. And what will happen next.

Part of me wants this time to be it, so I can quit thinking about when it will happen for us and move on with our lives. The other part of me will probably be terrified if it is. This whole "living life" business would be so much easier if we were just told when things would happen!

REcap

Hello all,
Here is an update on my life in handy bullet points:

*My birthday was Thursday and I turned 28 years old. Which is old in my opinion, because it is pretty close to the 30, the age I expect to be in a career (not a call center) and have a child (of the human variety).
*I finished taking the Clomid. I am pretty sure that I experienced hot flashes, but they weren't horrible. I KNOW I experienced what some call "Clomid Courage" when I almost beat the snot out of a really nasty drunk girl at the Rascal Flatts concert I went to on Saturday. I still get so amped up thinking about it, I give myself adrenaline rushes. That asshole is lucky that people were holding me back, because I would have done some serious damage.
*Today I should ovulate, if everything goes according to plan.
*I have received numerous calls on applications I have submitted, so fingers crossed I find a new, responsibility ridden job soon!
*Mr. Joe has surprised me with another trip to Disney in February! We're staying in our time share and taking our friends Chris and Katie who are Disney virgins - which is the main reason that we're going again. I have had to convince everyone that this wasn't my idea because they think I'm crazy for going again. Which I am.
*I have managed to maintain my weight since I took a break from P90X. I am really happy that I've managed not to blow back up, but considering my actions foodwise and healthwise, I am surprised. I bet if I didn't take a break I would be even less. Assuming the clomid works, I will have to wait to work out for a few (or 9) months - so we'll have to wait and see what happens.

That's pretty much it. I'm not really prepared one way or the other if we get knocked up this time around. On the one hand it seems a tad irresponsible because we are planning things and trying to budget what little money we have now and it's hard enough without adding a baby to the mix. On the other hand, we're constantly told that we will never be able to afford children anyway so there's no time like the present. I struggle alot with the decisions we're making and I'm just hoping that they are the right ones. There are times when I think that my life right now has everything that I wanted in place before we had children. Sometimes, I'm overcome with the love I have for my husband and the small life that we have in our crappy house. I know that if I never have a baby, or move out of our shack, or find a new job that I will still be incredibly blessed. Those are the times when I think that God is telling us that we're not ready. Then I think, if I wasn't ready, WHY THE HELL DO I WANT A CHIILD SO BADLY??? I seriously think I have some chemical imbalance in my brain that causes my uterus to want to fill with children, but leaves my ovaries dark and empty. I guess we just wait and see from here.